“The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.” WayFunnyJesusNba Author:Mo Williams
“If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!” IfsEnoughHumorFunnyEvilJesusKingsGood EnoughMonarchy Author:Marilyn Ferguson
“I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.” HumorFunnyJesus Author:Bo Burnham
“I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.” HumorFunnyFacesJesusGracePleaseGayAim Author:Bo Burnham
“If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.” IfsFirstsLooksLittlesHumorFunnyJesusBabyReactionsPantsPorscheBaby Jesus Author:Dave Attell
“That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.” IfsGivingHumorBigsFunnyJesusSidesBlackSonWalkingRight NowGive MeDiedGladFatsBeerDamnGutsJerusalemFriesFrench FriesCheeseburger Author:Denis Leary
“There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga... bt... Jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga... ba... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice."” KnowsGivingWellsTwoHumorFunnyJesusNiceTypeDrinkPleaseWineSubtle Author:Dylan Moran
“And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.” PeopleWellsKindStillsDoneHumorFunnyTurnsJesusHavens Author:Dylan Moran
“Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.” HumorFunnyJesusLove YouJesus LoveJesus Loves You Author:Jimmy Carr
“I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.” ThinkingReasonHumorFunnyJesusLevelsCareersDied Author:Marc Maron
“A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'” PeopleIfsThinkingKnowsLittlesDoeHumorHappensRunningFunnyJesusChurchMinutesFrontsNew YorkFineTomorrowOfficeLateAskingRoundsJewPostsBusComing BackAlrightPost OfficeI'm Back Author:Marc Maron
“And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!” PeopleGivingYearsHumorFunnyCoursesFatherJesusParentMomSingle Life Author:Robin Williams
“Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.” ThinkingMadeHumorFunnyJesusWaterLibertyMagicWineDisappear80sStatuesStatue Of Liberty Author:Sarah Silverman
“My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.” KnowsHumorEarthFunnyJesusCatholicMy FavoriteGravesCelebrateRisingHolidayEggsEasterComing BackRabbits Author:Adam Ferrara
“Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.” ThinkingMeanHumorFunnyJesusTermSmarter Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.” IfsKnowsMenHas BeensSaidHumorFunnyGuyNextJesusLeftPlayerDogLogicBaseballBallsHotCatholicArguingBeerSatCommunionThis GuyBabeMessiahDid You KnowRuthHot DogBaseball LoveBall Players Author:Bill Engvall
“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.” PeopleImportantStoriesHumorLightEyeKidsFunnyUsedGuyJesusCausesHalfLaughingSawsRight NowOkayBlindHis EyesTrafficArmstrongHalf FullBracelet Author:Daniel Tosh
“You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.” IfsThinkingKnowsHumorFunnyJesusHeavenSaladSpinach Author:Katt Williams
“If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.” IfsEndsHumorFunnyJesusKnownChristianityJustinCalves Author:Natasha Leggero
“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.” KnowsTruthFunnyJesusChristBibleJesus ChristMadnessAngerMadTelling The TruthTruth Of LifeDiscipleDiscipleshipFollowing JesusAbsolute TruthTruth And LiesExistence Of GodTrue FreedomYour FreedomHonest TruthTruth And HonestyRacial JusticeTruth HonestyTruth And LoveUltimate TruthTruth Be ToldMy TruthSpiritual TruthTruth Of GodSeeking TruthGreat FreedomHandiworkMoment Of TruthObjective TruthTruth HurtsBitter TruthProof Of GodSaying The TruthInconvenient TruthKnowing The TruthRelative TruthFinding Out The TruthFollowing ChristChristian FreedomEvidence Of GodFollowing GodTruth Will Set You FreeGospel Of JohnTruth And KnowledgeTruth Will PrevailChristian TruthI Know The TruthJesus WordsBiblical TruthGod Does ExistSeeing The TruthBiblical WorldviewTruth Will Come Out Author:Aldous Huxley