Quotessence
Home / Authors / Brian Regan
Brian Regan

Brian Regan Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllKnowsComedyPeopleIfsThinkingWantFunnyTryingBigsHeyMenComedianI CanKindLaughingTwoWayFeelsJokesSometimes

Famous Brian Regan Quotes

“When you're onstage, it's a communication technique when you make people laugh. You're communicating. You're communicating with other human beings and when they laugh you know that you're connecting. Laughing is an honest reaction and it's something that I can trust, and I love that feeling of knowing that I connected.”

PeopleKnowsHumansI CanFeelingsHuman BeingsLaughingKnowingHonestCommunicationCommunicateConnectedTechniqueReactionsConnectingMaking People LaughCommunicating With Others
Author:Brian Regan
Create image

“The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn."”

KnowsWellsGovernmentFunnyUsedCertainGrowsPayComedyGrowingTomorrowChecksGet UpHeyCracksFarmersWowMore MoneyCornNoonTomatoesLive WellUp Early
Author:Brian Regan
Create image

“I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"”

KnowsNeedsKindMeanI CanTwoFunnyGuyKnow HowSawsComedyStoresOpeningAll KindsLazyKnivesCleaningClosingSandwichesJarsPeanutsJellyPeanut ButterPeanut Butter And Jelly
Author:Brian Regan
Create image

“I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up... not using. ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research.”

IfsKnowsMenShouldWritingTryingLittlesUseFunnyWaitingLinesPerfectSawsComedyPlanetsSceneResearchScriptsApesBananasRemakesOne Line
Author:Brian Regan
Create image

“I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that. I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody. "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee, me, I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the Me monster.”

PeopleKnowsGuyCausesRealizingPartyTalkingStageQuietDinnerMonstersBunchPlentyDinner Party
Author:Brian Regan
Create image

“I have a friend who swears by food combinations - have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It's just the combinations of how you put the food together.' And then her examples are like, 'You wouldn't want to eat steak and potatoes together, but you could have, like, a lemon rind and raisin skins - not the whole raisin, take the skins and steam them.”

KnowsWayWantShouldWholeTogetherHeardExampleLike YouSkinsCombinationNonsenseNutsSwearPotatoesSteamLemonsSteakRaisins
Author:Brian Regan
Create image

“I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He's showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We'll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.”

KnowsMenJobsHellHeyApplesVacationJuiceGrapesSalesmanTrophiesGreat JobShowing UpPorkPork ChopsCranberries
Author:Brian Regan
Create image