“Mother love has been much maligned. An over mothered boy may go through life expecting each new woman to love him the way his mother did. Her love may make any other love seem inadequate. But an unloved boy would be even more likely to idealize love. I don't think it's possible for a mother or father to love a child too much.” ThinkingWayMayChildrenHas BeensSeemsWould BeMotherFatherFamilyBoysToo MuchExpectingInadequateMother LoveUnloved Author:Frank Pittman
“Parents offer an open womb. More than anyone else in your life, mothers, and sometimes fathers, can kiss it, and make it well whentheir grown children need to regress and repair. More than anyone else in your life, mothers, and sometimes fathers, can catch you when you start to fall. When you are in disgrace, defeat, and despair, home may be the safest place to hide.” NeedsWellsMayChildrenSometimesHomeMotherFallFatherParentOffersKissingDespairDefeatWombDisgraceGrown Children Author:Frank Pittman
“When it comes to little girls, God the father has nothing on father, the god. It's an awesome responsibility.” LittlesGirlFatherResponsibility Author:Frank Pittman
“Fathers who compete hard with their kids are monstrous. The father, for a throw-away victory, is sacrificing the very heart of hischild's sense of being good enough. He may believe he is making his son tough, as he was made tough by a similarly contending father, but he is only making his child desperate and mean like himself. Fathers must let their sons (and daughters) have their victories.” BelieveHeartMayMeanChildrenMadeHardEnoughKidsFatherSacrificeSonVictoryDaughterToughBe GoodDesperateGood EnoughMonstrousSon And DaughterContendingBeing Good Enough Author:Frank Pittman
“Becoming Father the Nurturer rather than just Father the Provider enables a man to fully feel and express his humanity and his masculinity. Fathering is the most masculine thing a man can do.” MenFeelsHumanityFatherCan DoBecomingMasculinityMasculineProvidersFathering Author:Frank Pittman
“In colonial America, the father was the primary parent. . . . Over the past two hundred years, each generation of fathers has hadless authority than the last. . . . Masculinity ceased to be defined in terms of domestic involvement, skills at fathering and husbanding, but began to be defined in terms of making money. Men had to leave home to work. They stopped doing all the things they used to do.” MenYearsTwoHomeLastsAmericaPastUsedFatherParentTermGenerationsSkillsAuthorityHundredDefinedPrimariesMaking MoneyMasculinityInvolvementOver The PastFathering Author:Frank Pittman
“Once women invented farming, and began to keep and breed animals, they discovered the crucial function of the rooster and the henhouse. Fathers suddenly gained a function, and could do what only women had been able to do for all those millions of years--point at a child and say, "That is my son," "That is my daughter." Patriarchy quickly followed, beginning about five thousand years ago; a very short time in the development of our species, but covering all of recorded history.” YearsChildrenAbleFatherAnimalMillionsFiveSonDevelopmentThousandDaughterYears AgoFunctionSpeciesMy DaughterMy SonCrucialThousand YearsPatriarchyFarmingCoveringShort TimeRoosters Author:Frank Pittman
“Every boy was supposed to come into the world equipped with a father whose prime function was to be our father and show us how tobe men. He can escape us, but we can never escape him. Present or absent, dead or alive, real or imagined, our father is the main man in our masculinity.” MenWorldRealShowsFatherBoysAliveFunctionPrimeMasculinityAbsentOur Father Author:Frank Pittman
“All those tough guys who want to scare the world into seeing them as men . . . who don't know how to be a man with a woman, only abrute or a boy, who fill up the divorce courts; all those corporate raiders and rain-forest burners and war starters who want more in hopes that will make them feel better; . . . are suffering from Father Hunger. They go through their puberty rituals day after day for a lifetime, waiting for a father to anoint them and say "Attaboy," to treat them as good enough to be considered a man.” KnowsMenWorldWantFeelsWarEnoughGuySufferingFatherWaitingBoysKnow HowSeeingToughRainTreatsCourtLifetimeHungerDivorceForestsCorporateGood EnoughRitualScareFeel BetterFatherhoodBe A ManPubertyStartersTough GuyRaiders Author:Frank Pittman
“We become male automatically because of the Y chromosome and the little magic peanut, but if we are to become men we need the helpof other men--we need our fathers to model for us and then to anoint us, we need our buddies to share the coming-of-age rituals with us and to let us join the team of men, and we need myths of heroes to inspire us and to show us the way.” IfsMenWayNeedsLittlesShowsAgeFatherMagicTeamShareInspireHeroModelsMalesMythComing Of AgeRitualOur FatherBuddyPeanutsChromosomes Author:Frank Pittman
“Our father has an even more important function than modeling manhood for us. He is also the authority to let us relax the requirements of the masculine model: if our father accepts us, then that declares us masculine enough to join the company of men. We, in effect, have our diploma in masculinity and can go on to develop other skills.” IfsMenImportantEnoughFatherCompanyAcceptingEffectsGoes OnSkillsAuthorityModelsFunctionRelaxRequirementsManhoodMasculinityMasculineModelingOur FatherDiploma Author:Frank Pittman
“We long for our father. We wear his clothes, and actually try to fill his shoes. . . . We hang on to him, begging him to teach ushow to do whatever is masculine, to throw balls or be in the woods or go see where he works. . . . We want our fathers to protect us from coming too completely under the control of our mothers. . . . We want to be seen with Dad, hanging out with men and doing men things.” MenWantTryingLongMotherFatherTeachDadProtectClothesBallsShoesWoodsHanging OutMasculineOur FatherBeggingDoing Me Author:Frank Pittman
“As a guy develops and practices his masculinity, he is accompanied by an invisible male chorus of all the other guys, who hiss orcheer as he attempts to approximate the masculine ideal, who push him to sacrifice more of his humanity for the sake of his masculinity, and who ridicule him when he holds back. The chorus is made up of all the guy's comrades and rivals, his buddies and bosses, his male ancestors and his male cultural heroes--and above all, his father, who may have been a real person in his life, or may have existed only as the myth of the man who got away.” MenMayPersonsHas BeensMadeRealGuyHumanityFatherPracticeSacrificeHe ManHeroIdealsMalesSakeMythInvisibleBossAncestorMasculinityRidiculeMasculineRivalsBuddyOther GuysComradeChorusReal Person Author:Frank Pittman
“What we men share is the experience of having been raised by women in a culture that stopped our fathers from being close enough to teach us how to be men, in a world in which men were discouraged from talking about our masculinity and questioning its roots and its mystique, in a world that glorified masculinity and gave us impossibly unachievable myths of masculine heroics, but no domestic models to teach us how to do it.” MenWorldEnoughCultureFatherTalkingTeachShareModelsRootsRaisedMythQuestioningMasculinityMasculineDiscouragedBe A ManOur FatherMystique Author:Frank Pittman
“At the heart of the matter of masculine excess is a great longing for the love and approval of a father, a man who can tell another man that his masculinity is splendid enough and he can now relax.” MenHeartMatterEnoughFatherLongingRelaxExcessApprovalMasculinityMasculineSplendidAnother Man Author:Frank Pittman
“Most of us have felt barriers between ourselves and our fathers and had thought that going it alone was part of what it meant to be a man. We tried to get close to our children when we became fathers, and yet the business of practicing masculinity kept getting in the way. We men have begun to talk about that.” MenWayChildrenFatherFeltOur ChildrenBarriersMeant To BeMasculinityBe A ManOur Father Author:Frank Pittman
“It's not that we have too much mother, but too little father. We can't forgive our mothers for taking the place of our fathers until we are ready to see that the point of a man's life is to be a father and a mentor, and we can't do that because we don't know how we would be a father or a mentor when we never had one.” KnowsMenLittlesWould BeLife IsMotherFatherKnow HowToo MuchReadyForgivingMentorOur FatherCan't Forgive Author:Frank Pittman
“We perversely see mother love as the problem--when it is all we have to sustain us--rather than blaming the fathers who have run out on our mothers and on us. We seem willing to forgive fathers for loving too little even as we still shrink in terror from mothers who love too much.” LittlesStillsProblemSeemsRunningMotherFatherToo MuchWillingBlameForgivingTerrorShrinksMother Love Author:Frank Pittman
“. . . in the end, there is nothing a man can do that a woman can't, except be a father.” MenEndsFatherCan DoMarriage Author:Frank Pittman
“The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child-raising is not the child but the parent.” MenChildrenEndsGuyFatherParentPerfectHe ManProductsBecomingDadParentingParenthoodRaising ChildrenBeing A ParentChildren And ParentsBeing A FatherPerfect ManParent ChildFatheringBecoming A FatherPerfect ParentsBecoming A Parent Author:Frank Pittman
“Fathering is the most masculine thing a man can do.” MenFatherCan DoDaddyMasculineFathering Author:Frank Pittman
“As boys without bonds to their fathers grow older and more desperate about their masculinity, they are in danger of forming gangs in which they strut their masculinity for one another, often overdo it, and sometimes turn to displays of fierce, macho bravado and even violence.” SometimesTurnsFatherGrowsBoysViolenceDangerDesperateDisplayFierceMasculinityGangMachoBravado Author:Frank Pittman
“If fathers who fear fathering and run away from it could only see how little fathering is enough. Mostly, the father just needs to be there.” IfsNeedsLittlesEnoughRunningFatherRunning AwayFathering Author:Frank Pittman
