“Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.” IfsHumorFunnyGuyAssPantsDressings Author:Kristen Schaal
“I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.” WellsHumorFunnyThreeMinutesBedYeahSizeBlowStoresAssKicksZeroSecondsBedroomMattresses Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.” ThinkingKnowsHumorFunnyThreeCausesVoiceTalkingGaySorryAssDo You KnowOne TimeI'm SorryThree TimesSandwichesDaveBeing GayHomophobicCucumbersVoices In My Head Author:Dave Attell
“"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"” IfsMenWantYearsWellsEndsHumorFunnyGuyRedOkayPaidYeahAssMeatCoveredFifteenThis GuySweatersFifteen YearsRed Meat Author:Denis Leary
“If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.” IfsShouldEndsHumorFunnyWaterWeekDrinkGardenScientistAssBottles Author:Lewis Black
“No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.” WantHumorFunnyBeatsAssSoundtracks Author:Dave Chappelle
“You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.” ThinkingShouldLongCountryBodyHumorAbleFunnyWiseFoodColdEatingRateAssBlockCaliforniaDietsVegetarianVeganYou ChooseVegetarianismVegetarian HealthKilling YourselfFree CountryVegan HealthDrivewayVegetarian FoodVegan FoodWise Ass Author:Scott Adams