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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.”

People Ifs Two Humor Funny Week Paid Bread Minimum Wages Minimum Wage Spam

Author:Chris Rock

“I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"”

People Humor Funny Past Hate Sides Too Much New York I Hate Yeah Bread Meat Cows Sandwiches Crackers Pastrami

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."”

Needs Feels Wells Humor Funny Form Three Pieces Four Cutting Middle Members Clubs Circles Bread Ems Chips Sandwiches Dump Triangles Toothpicks Stipulations

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”

Ifs Thinking Doe Humor Funny Opinion Tomorrow Jokes Stores Bread Capability Ducks Convenience Beavers Let Him Go Tow Tomorrow Brings

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."”

Ifs Thinking Play Humor Would Be Funny Bread Playing Drums Drumsticks

Book:Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.”

Ifs Humor Funny Bread Cheese Pizza Tomatoes Garlic

Author:Jimmy Carr

“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.”

Knows Years Said Ends Humor Funny My Own Deals Know How Four Crazy Fronts Years Ago Misery Workers Bread Four Years Pizza My Own Life Ankles Huts Co Worker

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.”

Two Humor Funny Space Wide Bread Luxury Meals Sandwiches Space Between Prairie Open Spaces Wide Open Spaces

Author:Chic Murray