“Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.” KnowsFeelsHumorFunnyWaitingSafeGunClubsMetalsMetal Detectors Author:Chris Rock
“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."” NeedsFeelsWellsHumorFunnyFormThreePiecesFourCuttingMiddleMembersClubsCirclesBreadEmsChipsSandwichesDumpTrianglesToothpicksStipulations Author:Mitch Hedberg
“When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.” MeanI CanShowsHumorLightFunnyLeftMinutesWorstStageRedMethodClubsFrightenedCandleFloatingRed Lights Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!” IfsKnowsProblemHumorFunnyGuySunClubsDaytime Author:Chris Rock
“That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.” PeopleIfsMenWantFeelsHumorFunnyStuffBreakPiecesProtectWindowGlassesClubsStealingWheelsCrapSteering Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."” DreamHumorFunnyUsedMorningClubsEvery MorningAlarmsTechno Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.” HumorTodayFunnyClubsLocalsBlokes Author:Tim Vine
“You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.” HomeHumorFunnyDiesWaitingClubsGothKilling Yourself Author:Adam Carolla
“And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.” GivingFirstsWarReasonHumorFunnyRememberFightingNextLeftClubsAdsNext TimeJust Do It Author:Dennis Miller
“A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'” DoneHumorFunnyGirlWatchesClubs Author:Mike Birbiglia
“Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"” TryingHumorFunnyCome UpClubsUp To You Author:Mike Birbiglia
“So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.” SelfHumorFunnySelf EsteemNormalNegativeClubsEsteemTimelyHovering Author:Mike Birbiglia