“I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"” PeopleHumorFunnyPastHateSidesToo MuchNew YorkI HateYeahBreadMeatCowsSandwichesCrackersPastrami Author:Mitch Hedberg
“That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.” IfsMadeDifferentReasonHumorWould BeEarthFunnyDisappearLayersBeing CoolCrackersOzoneOzone Layer Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.” IfsShouldHumorFunnyNightEasyDarkRoomsMiddleProductsIntegrityShould HaveMadSurpriseBoxesVersionsBusCheeseTemperatureMiddle Of The NightCrackersGlow In The Dark Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!” MenTryingLittlesHumorFunnyBoxesPlatesCheeseSuggestionsPeanutsPeanut ButterCrackersRitz Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.” PeopleThinkingHumorFunnyAnimalTasteCrackersAnimal Crackers Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.” PeopleShowsHumorRealityWould BeFunnyBlackWhiteFourNeighborhoodHuntsReality ShowsCrackers Author:Zach Galifianakis
“You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.” PeopleKnowsHumorFunnyNamesBlackWhiteKnow HowBordersKitchenRestaurantsBlack PeopleMexicanBarrelsShacklesCafesCrackersNevermind Author:George Lopez
“I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"” PersonsSaidI CanHumorFunnyBlackCan DoWhiteRaceMy FavoriteInsultChickensPlusSoupAsianBeansCrackersSlurs Author:Mike Birbiglia