“What shall we do with...the Jews?...set fire to their synagogues or schools and bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them.” MenHumorSchoolReligiousFireStonesJewDirtSynagogue Author:Martin Luther
“You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.” KnowsMenHumorFunnyCertainSituationFireMen And Women Author:Dave Attell
“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.” IfsSaidHumorRunningFunnyMovingGuyMy OwnFireComedyLegsBlockGamblingThis GuyExitOwn BusinessCasinosMind Your Own BusinessMinding My Own Business Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.” KnowsStillsI CanHumorFunnyUsedKnow HowFireDadSummerMarkMy DadBagsTexasFlipAprons Author:Mitch Hedberg
“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"” WayPersonsHelpingHumorHandsRunningFunnyChanceFireFiguresBearsAuthorityMy FriendsWoodsIntenseForestsRanAcidSwearingForest FiresAuthority Figures Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"” PeopleIfsThinkingMenShouldMeanPlayHumorWantedFunnyAsksFireBearsJokesEnglandForestsRepresentativesFrogsPreventionHoppingForest Fires Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.” IfsMenWayDoeHumorFunnyLastsFireStrangeBuiltSensitive Author:Rita Rudner
“The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"” ReasonHumorFunnyLostFireCarTrainChaosBurningGiantsBoredomGlimpseBangsProceduresRubbishMicrophonesBuffetsGaryCarriagesAnnouncementsBiscuitsTantalizing Author:Bill Bailey
“You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!” PeopleMenHas BeensHumorFunnySexFireShotsHeadacheX MenInfantile Author:Dylan Moran
“Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.” PeopleHumorFunnyCitiesFireWelcomeGlasgow Author:Frankie Boyle
“Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.” YearsHumorFunnyLastsFireCakeLast YearMy BirthdayPrairieBirthday Cake Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.” KnowsWellsHumorFunnyFireCoupleBlowTricksSecondsCandleFactories Author:Tommy Cooper
“Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.” TwoHumorFunnyFireProveSittingCraftsHeatLitChilly Author:Tommy Cooper
“A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.” HumorFunnyThreeFireFeetCaughtFlamesVillageMiniatures Author:Bob Monkhouse