“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.” KnowsTryingUseHumorLightFunnyUsedNightTurnsWaterNiceMiddleDatingGet UpBathroomTurn-onMiddle Of The NightFunny Dating Author:Adam Ferrara
“Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!” KnowsShouldHumorHandsFunnyGuyHumourGet UpLinkedShared ExperiencesRestroomDryersHahaha Author:Bo Burnham
“As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.” PeopleIfsHumorFunnyFunHellAdultsGet UpHaving FunSlides Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."” KnowsFeelsLooksSaidHumorFunnyPerfectMorningDoctorsMirrorsYeahGet UpThrowingEvery MorningEyesightVomitingThrowing UpUgly Face Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.” HumorFunnyMorningGet UpButtonsJackasses Author:Bill Engvall
“I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.” IfsGivingMindHumorFunnyMorningGive MeGet UpStairsLanding Author:Chic Murray