“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"” PeopleThinkingKnowsShouldTwoShowsHumorMightFunnyNextWatchesMillionsHellLateStoresComedianHaving FunIntroductionLetterman Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"” SaidHumorRunningFunnyMovingGuyHellCaughtBarsHeyHatsPairsNervesApologizingRudeCaught UpThis GuyAccessoriesGo To HellSunglassesMustacheHey YouEarringsPonytails Author:Mitch Hedberg
“As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.” PeopleIfsHumorFunnyFunHellAdultsGet UpHaving FunSlides Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.” HumorFunnyLostSoundHellAddictionAnnoyedWalletsCasinosLost MoneyVelcro Author:Mitch Hedberg
“When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.” MenWayDoneHumorFunnyNamesHellDamnEmbarrassingSlow DownSkipVitamins Author:Demetri Martin
“The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” MenHumorKidsFunnyHellSexyDirtyOld Man Author:Frankie Boyle
“I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'” IfsKnowsI CanBookHumorFunnyHellManagementExcitedAnger Management Author:Marc Maron
“The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!” WantHumorFunnyHellArmsBearsAmendmentsSecond AmendmentRight To Bear Arms Author:Robin Williams
“Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!” YearsHumorFunnyHellWrittenCollegeSickNotesTake MeMumSeventiesTake Me Back Author:Bob Monkhouse