“We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal-federal cufflink.” KnowsWantKindHumorPoliticalOrderReadingTeachKnow HowTeacherObligationPolitical Humor Author:George W. Bush
“What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.” ThinkingKnowsHardHumorPoliticalKnow HowPositionFitRelativePolitical HumorQuota Author:George W. Bush
“I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.” KnowsStillsI CanHumorFunnyUsedKnow HowFireDadSummerMarkMy DadBagsTexasFlipAprons Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.” KnowsSaidHumorWantedFunnyHouseSleepKnow HowWallMy FriendsDamnGravity Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.” IfsKnowsDoeHumorFunnyBreakWorryKnow HowCarDown AndGasBreaking DownTanksCockyWalletsToolboxAka Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.” KnowsMenNeedsIdeasHumorFunnyKnow HowGayAssumingNo IdeaGay Men Author:Chelsea Handler
“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.” KnowsDoeHumorFunnyGuyMorningWorryKnow HowRidiculousAwakeRidiculous Things Author:Billy Connolly
“I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.” KnowsLongHumorFunnyStuffKnow HowBoredVetsShagging Author:Frankie Boyle
“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.” KnowsYearsSaidEndsHumorFunnyMy OwnDealsKnow HowFourCrazyFrontsYears AgoMiseryWorkersBreadFour YearsPizzaMy Own LifeAnklesHutsCo Worker Author:Zach Galifianakis
“You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.” PeopleIfsKnowsI CanHumorFunnyKnow HowGayFatsCerebralCerebral Palsy Author:Zach Galifianakis
“You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.” PeopleKnowsHumorFunnyNamesBlackWhiteKnow HowBordersKitchenRestaurantsBlack PeopleMexicanBarrelsShacklesCafesCrackersNevermind Author:George Lopez
“I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"” KnowsHumorFunnyNamesNumbersKnow HowYeahIdiotMatesAccentsIrish Accent Author:Noel Fielding
“When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.” KnowsPlayHumorFunnyKnow HowDrinkHumorousWineDrinkingAlcoholDrunkSoberLiquorDrinking Alcohol Author:Richard Burton