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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“Humor, warm and all-embracing as the sunshine, bathes its objects in a genial and abiding light.”

Humor Light Objects Warm Sunshine Abiding

Book:Literature and life, lects

Source: Literature and life, lects

“To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.”

Source: Bouncing back: I've survived everything-- and I mean everything-- and you can too!

“The joy of joys is the person of light but unmalicious humor.”

Persons Humor Light Joy

Book:Etiquette: In Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home

Source: Etiquette: In Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home

“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.”

Knows Trying Use Humor Light Funny Used Night Turns Water Nice Middle Dating Get Up Bathroom Turn-on Middle Of The Night Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.”

Mean I Can Shows Humor Light Funny Left Minutes Worst Stage Red Method Clubs Frightened Candle Floating Red Lights

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”

Ifs Knows Way Humor Light Wanted Funny Turns Three Break Opposites Mess Brighter Bulbs Light Bulb Three Ways

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.”

Looks Humor Light Funny Black Bars Impression Stains Mustard

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!”

Doe Two Humor Light Funny Four Eight Screws Bulbs Light Bulb

Author:Bill Bailey

“I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.”

People Humor Light Funny Groups Position Gay Shirts Rainbow Greedy Supportive

Author:Demetri Martin

“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...”

Knows Wells Kind Two Humor Light Seems Funny Fun Stuff Clear Five Connections Towns Godmother Light Of My Life

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.”

People Important Stories Humor Light Eye Kids Funny Used Guy Jesus Causes Half Laughing Saws Right Now Okay Blind His Eyes Traffic Armstrong Half Full Bracelet

Author:Daniel Tosh

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'”

Said Home Humor Light Funny House Energy Justice Cutting Yesterday Checks Germany And Off

Author:Steven Wright

“I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.”

Ifs Knows Want Doe Said Book Humor Light Happens Funny Jobs Guy Turns Reading Asks Let Me Speed Things Happen Interviews Turn-on Spaceships Speed Of Light Job Interview Headlights

Author:Steven Wright