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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“Well, you know, I think the American people are sacrificing now. I think they're waiting in airport lines longer than they've ever had before.”

People Thinking Knows Wells Humor Political Waiting Lines Sacrifice Airports

Author:George W. Bush

“And I strongly support the faith-based initiative that we're proposing, because I don't believe it violates the line between the separation of church and state, and I believe it's going to make America a better place.”

Believe States Humor America Political I Believe Church Lines Support Don't Believe Separation Initiative Better Place Church And State Separation Of Church And State Political Humor Faith Based

Author:George W. Bush

“For good or evil, a line has been passed in our political history; and something that we have known all our lives is dead. I will take only one example of it: our politicians can no longer be caricatured.”

Has Beens Humor Political Life Is Evil Politics Lines Known Our Lives Example Politician Political History

Author:Gilbert K. Chesterton

“I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.”

Should Humor Funny Lines Laughing Smoke Pipe Indicators

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.”

People Ifs Humor Care Funny Black Lines White Racism Draws Green Don't Care I Don't Care Purple

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"”

Way Trying Two Ends Humor Funny Hate Lines Thirds I Hate Arrows Triangles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.”

People Thinking Firsts Ends Humor Funny Lines Crosses Baseball Cards Wire Finish Line

Author:Jerry Coleman

“And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield.”

Long Humor Funny Lines Baseball Long Drive

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.”

Men Stills Body Humor Government Funny Hate Lines Alive Police Rap Ice Reports Rapper Dead Man Vanilla Chalk Biggie

Author:Chris Rock

“There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.”

Giving Looks Humor Funny Lines Fine Window Ems Illegal Hints Fine Lines

Author:Dave Attell

“My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.”

World War Humor Funny Father Lines Communication Destroyed War Of The Worlds World War I Pigeons Lines Of Communication

Author:Frank Carson

“The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.”

Ifs Said Two Humor Eye Funny Courses Lines Picks Phones Damn Bless Psychics God Bless Two Days God Bless You

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"”

People Knows Two Humor Funny Lines Forget Fronts Standing Okay Machines Things To Do Seconds Cash Forget It Free Time

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies - you've got to draw a line there.”

Mean Humor Funny Lines Draws Complicated Ice Cream Flavor Ice Cream Pennies Bananas Chunks Goldfish Fudge Caramel Cheddar

Author:Marc Maron

“Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.”

Knows Wells Looks Mean Children Home Humor Funny Lines Inspired Rings Selling Shopping Know Me Toes Medication Zodiac

Book:Bossypants

Source: Bossypants

“This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.”

Years Humor Funny Courses Lines Behinds Week Dollars Pounds Genes Pennies Collectors

Author:Tina Fey

“I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."”

Ifs Knows Humor Might Funny Guy Next Lines Saws Checks Video Towers Jumping Buddy Flew That Guy Cords Operators Bungee Jumping Bungee

Author:Bill Engvall

“Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.”

Humor Funny Three Lines Drink Relax Coasters

Author:Natasha Leggero

“What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.”

Humor Funny Hours Lines Levels Fingers Enjoyment Throat

Book:Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Source: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need