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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'”

Looks Humor Funny Reading Generations Proud

Author:Marc Maron

“I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'”

Looks Humor Funny Guy Turns Bones Hey Cute Shirts Look At Me T Shirt Just Saying

Author:Marc Maron

“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'”

Thinking Knows Feels Writing Looks Mean Whole Humor Funny Young Walks Modern Like You Yeah Coffee Hey Posts Paris Shops Gaps Application Patriot Exes Bohemian Coffee Shop Retro Beatnik

Author:Marc Maron

“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."”

Knows Feels Looks Said Humor Funny Perfect Morning Doctors Mirrors Yeah Get Up Throwing Every Morning Eyesight Vomiting Throwing Up Ugly Face

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'”

Should Looks Said Two Humor Funny Lasts Night Week Cold Chinese Meals Restaurants Chickens Last Night Two Weeks Waiter

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.”

Knows Wells Looks Mean Children Home Humor Funny Lines Inspired Rings Selling Shopping Know Me Toes Medication Zodiac

Book:Bossypants

Source: Bossypants

“When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.”

Looks Hard Humor Funny Tables Cheese

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Years Looks Humor Funny Guy Groups Jew Desert Maps Moses

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'”

Thinking Humans Looks Humor Funny Animal Dating Dinner Kingdoms Mates Smarter Alright Animal Kingdom

Author:Adam Ferrara

“There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.”

Looks Humor Funny Courses Bones Remove Relaxed

Author:Chic Murray

“They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.”

Looks Kind Humor Funny Film Adults Heavy Features Thick Cartoon Cigar Pussy Exploding

Author:Jim Norton

“That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.”

Looks Humor Funny Parenthood Like Something Planned Parenthood Dumpsters

Author:Jim Norton

“Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.”

Wells Looks Littles Doe Humor Bigs Eye Funny Yeah Like Me Girlfriend Big Eyes

Author:Kristen Schaal

“When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.”

Looks Littles Humor Kids Wanted Funny Faces Hair Grew Grew Up Little Kid

Author:Noel Fielding

“I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.”

Looks Humor Funny Guy Talking Bills Gates Microsoft Brad Nerdy

Book:Dave Barry in Cyberspace

Source: Dave Barry in Cyberspace

“Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs.”

Looks Humor Funny Friendship Dog Friends Pet Flattery Flatterer

Book:The Works of George Chapman: Plays

Source: The Works of George Chapman: Plays