“The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.” StatesHumorFunnyNationsMiddleBordersEasternQuarrels Author:P. J. O'Rourke
“God told me to strike at al Qaeda and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam [Hussein], which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them.” IfsHelpingProblemHumorPoliticalFocusMiddleElectionSolveDeterminedEastStrikesHelp MeAlsMiddle EastSaddamTalibanPolitical HumorI Am Determined Author:George W. Bush
“My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the - in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen.” Has BeensDifferentHumorHappensPoliticalPartyLeaderViolenceMiddleInvolvedCallingEastAdministrationMiddle EastPolitical Humor Author:George W. Bush
“There's a lot of people in the Middle East who are desirous to get into the Mitchell process. And - but first things first. The - these terrorist acts and, you know, the responses have got to end in order for us to get the framework - the groundwork - not framework, the groundwork to discuss a framework for peace, to lay the - all right.” PeopleKnowsFirstsEndsHumorPoliticalOrderProcessMiddleLaysResponseEastTerroristMiddle EastFrameworkPolitical HumorGroundworkFirst Things First Author:George W. Bush
“I assured the prime minister, my administration will work hard to lay the foundation of peace in the Middle - to work with our nations in the Middle East, give peace a chance. Secondly, I told him that our nation will not try to force peace, that we'll facilitate peace and that we will work with those responsible for a peace.” GivingTryingHardHumorPoliticalForceNationsChanceMiddleHard WorkResponsibleFoundationLaysEastAdministrationMinistersPrimeMiddle EastPrime MinisterAssuredPolitical HumorFacilitate Author:George W. Bush
“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.” KnowsTryingUseHumorLightFunnyUsedNightTurnsWaterNiceMiddleDatingGet UpBathroomTurn-onMiddle Of The NightFunny Dating Author:Adam Ferrara
“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!” KnowsWayDoeSaidTwoHumorFunnyTogetherEasyBornSimpleSawsMiddleMissingTvsArmsLettersRaisesThey SaidContractions Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."” IfsThinkingNeedsTwoSometimesProblemHumorFunnyNightHoursMiddleColdWake UpYeahCoveredSweatNo ProblemMiddle Of The Night Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."” NeedsFeelsWellsHumorFunnyFormThreePiecesFourCuttingMiddleMembersClubsCirclesBreadEmsChipsSandwichesDumpTrianglesToothpicksStipulations Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.” IfsShouldHumorFunnyNightEasyDarkRoomsMiddleProductsIntegrityShould HaveMadSurpriseBoxesVersionsBusCheeseTemperatureMiddle Of The NightCrackersGlow In The Dark Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"” GivingFirstsHumorFunnyUsedGirlMiddleDrinkYeahWineHeadacheThis Girl Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'” MenWellsHumorBigsEyeRunningFunnyNightChoicesCausesHurtDealsMiddleHugeBedBiggerPopsBedroomDaddyMiddle Of The NightBoogie Author:Adam Ferrara
“I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night.” HumorHandsFunnyNightHouseDarkMiddleCleanUrgesCompulsionUnreasonableMiddle Of The NightClean House Author:James Thurber