“The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.” EnoughHumorFunnyLastsRememberNextNovelPaperSixLast TimeNext TimeSpainToiletsArcherToilet Paper Author:Bob Monkhouse
“Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.” LooksHumorFunnyNextDrinkNewsSavedBoatNext TimeGood NewsFloatsLimesBuoyancyCitrus Author:Mitch Hedberg
“The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."” PeopleKnowsTwoRealEnoughHumorFunnyMovingNextAsksEasyAnswersNumbersPressesPhonesNext TimePhone Numbers Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.” IfsThinkingNeedsShouldUseHumorFunnyNextFrontsSpellsNext Time Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.” KnowsLooksMeanHumorHandsFunnyGuyNextEatingBarsNext TimeCandyCandy Bar Author:Mitch Hedberg
“And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.” GivingFirstsWarReasonHumorFunnyRememberFightingNextLeftClubsAdsNext TimeJust Do It Author:Dennis Miller