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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.”

Humor Funny Pay Attention Stupid Critics

Author:Samuel Goldwyn

“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.”

Needs Stills Humor Jobs Order House Pay Car Normal Clothes Empty Driving Traffic Getting Dressed

Author:Ellen Goodman

“If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"”

Ifs Humor Funny Pay Groups Offers Notes Dinner Checks Thanks Wallets Group Of Friends

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!”

I Can Humor Funny Lasts Numbers Pay Four Credit Cards Thanks Twelve Assistance Credit Card Guessing Receipts

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."”

Said Humor Care Funny Used Pay Becoming Paid Caring Checks Waiter Waitress Saying Thank You Mammograms

Author:Rita Rudner

“AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."”

People Humor Wanted Funny Pay Tvs Bills Screens Checks Hey Mail Offering Remote Control

Author:Jay Leno

“Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."”

Hard Humor Funny Fun Pay New York Destination Drivers Tourists Hitchhiking

Book:Late night with David Letterman: the book

Source: Late night with David Letterman: the book

“Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.”

Ifs Humor Bigs Funny Water Pay Study Tomorrow Tests Gas Candle Electricity Daddy

Author:Chris Rock

“People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move your eyes down to where your nipples used to be, put your breasts up on your head, everybody will pay attention!”

People Ifs Knows Want Wells Humor Eye Funny Moving Used Pay Attention Obvious Used To Be Pay Attention Breasts Why Not Depressing Routes Implants Nipples

Author:Dylan Moran

“My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.”

Said Humor Funny Parent Pay Sacrifice Druids

Author:Milton Jones

“I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.”

I Can Humor Funny Turns Pay Week Accounts Trade Fees

Author:Mike Birbiglia