“The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.” KnowsHumorFunnyGirlRight NowDatingGirlfriendMy GirlfriendMy GirlThis GirlFunny Dating Author:Adam Ferrara
“Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin.” HumorFunnyYoungLike YouRight NowBaseballPitching Author:Jerry Coleman
“Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.” FeelsHumorFunnyFeetRight NowConcernedFeet On The Ground Author:Bo Belinsky
“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.” IfsI CanHumorFunnyGuySpeakRoomsStageRight NowEmptyBlowTonightEmpty Stage Author:Bill Hicks
“I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.” ThinkingI CanHumorFunnyFoundGivenDifficultTreeCircumstancesRight NowBlameForests Author:Denis Leary
“I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.” ThinkingWantHumorFunnyAmericaAsksFeltSidesRight NowEatingRedFolksAsk MeMeatRestaurantsVegetarianBowlsDishesBroccoliRed MeatWimpsSide Dishes Author:Denis Leary
“That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.” IfsGivingHumorBigsFunnyJesusSidesBlackSonWalkingRight NowGive MeDiedGladFatsBeerDamnGutsJerusalemFriesFrench FriesCheeseburger Author:Denis Leary
“You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."” LooksReasonHumorFunnyHouseEnergyRealizingWatchesToo MuchLike YouRight NowPicksLettersConnectionsNeighborLazyNo ReasonFinding YourselfHostMailBeing LazyLove Connection Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.” PeopleImportantStoriesHumorLightEyeKidsFunnyUsedGuyJesusCausesHalfLaughingSawsRight NowOkayBlindHis EyesTrafficArmstrongHalf FullBracelet Author:Daniel Tosh
“Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?” MenWayHumorWould BeFunnyGuyCarRight NowFlames Author:Kristen Schaal