Best humor & rooms Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.”

People Inspirational Home Humor Inspiration Rooms Television Tvs Invention Permit Living Room Television And Radio

Author:David Frost

“If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders.”

Ifs Humor Care Political Order President Rooms Emergencies Political Humor Gags Emergency Room

Author:George W. Bush

“I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.”

Humor Funny Rooms Fans Fronts

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.”

Humor Funny Rooms New York Hotel Very Happy Premises Vegas Las Vegas Manhattan Hotel Rooms Rollercoaster

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.”

Ifs Should Humor Funny Night Easy Dark Rooms Middle Products Integrity Should Have Mad Surprise Boxes Versions Bus Cheese Temperature Middle Of The Night Crackers Glow In The Dark

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.”

Humor Funny Rooms Ghost One Time Sheets Motels

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in.”

Humor Funny Walks Rooms Player Clothes Baseball Muscles Lockers Locker Room

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?”

Humor Funny Waiting Rooms Waiter Waiting Rooms

Author:George Carlin

“My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.”

Want Looks Humor Funny Mother Hours Rooms Five Mess Want Me Pigs He Wants Me

Author:Bill Cosby

“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.”

Ifs I Can Humor Funny Guy Speak Rooms Stage Right Now Empty Blow Tonight Empty Stage

Author:Bill Hicks

“People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!”

People Knows Feels Long Humor Funny Rooms Nice Long Time Winner Staring Hotel Quarters Bathroom Toilets Vegas Nice Things Arrivals Hotel Rooms Casinos

Author:Lewis Black

“Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.”

Enough Humor Funny Rooms Week Missing Lifetime Drank Coke Missing Something Pepsi

Author:Lewis Black

“When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!”

Men Humor Funny Sound Rooms Horror Chaos Horrible Teeth Repeats Pigs Weeping

Author:Lewis Black

“There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."”

Knows Men Said Humor Funny Rooms Sitting Ridiculous Ice Dining Dining Rooms

Author:Frank Carson

“I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.”

People World Years Humor Funny Levels Rooms Comedy Mines Seven Footballer Scottish

Author:Frankie Boyle

“A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!”

Men Years Humor Funny Asks Rooms Crowds Hey

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'”

Giving Humor Funny Guy Father Sex Rooms Kissing Give Me Adam

Author:Adam Ferrara

“As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"”

Stills Humor Funny Remember Rooms Hey Hospitals Staff Youtube Staggering Operating Room

Author:Bill Engvall

“I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.”

Humor Funny Rooms Baby Miscarriage Walmart

Author:Jim Norton

“They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.”

Ifs Has Beens Humor Funny Rooms Laughing Cutting Office Examination

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy, folks!" and actually seem to mean it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that there would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all the residents of south western Nebraska into a giant freezer with a huge picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been thawing them out as needed ever since.”

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back

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