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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

Humor Wanted Funny Stores Birthday Cake Candle Firefighter Funny Food

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"”

People Thinking Knows Should Two Shows Humor Might Funny Next Watches Millions Hell Late Stores Comedian Having Fun Introduction Letterman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."”

Men Kind Humor Funny Behinds Boys He Man Stores Cigar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”

Ifs Thinking Doe Humor Funny Opinion Tomorrow Jokes Stores Bread Capability Ducks Convenience Beavers Let Him Go Tow Tomorrow Brings

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.”

Wells Humor Funny Three Minutes Bed Yeah Size Blow Stores Ass Kicks Zero Seconds Bedroom Mattresses

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."”

Needs Kind Humor Funny Stores Circus Tents

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"”

Humor Funny Reading Library Stores Magazines Convenience Clerks

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!”

Ifs Men Needs Littles Humor Funny Used Hate Missing Like You Couple Draws I Hate Mad Fingers Accidents Stores Turkeys Groceries Messed Up Ham Grocery Stores Fellas Bologna Pastrami

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."”

Ifs Way Humor Funny Please Stores Cds

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."”

Men Want Said Humor Funny Eight Stores Apples Bags Clerks

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.”

Humor Funny Type Stores Harvard Liquor Liquor Stores

Author:Chris Rock

“Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"”

Book Done Humor Funny Next Stores Autobiography Sections Flip

Author:Demetri Martin

“My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."”

Said Humor Funny Guy Wife Car My Wife Stores Plates License Headings License Plate

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.”

Ifs Humor Would Be Funny Nations Built Various Stores Features Restaurants Realistic Simulation Souvenirs Epcot

Book:Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Source: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need