“According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.” KnowsHumorCareFunnyAmericaCitiesToo MuchNew YorkBeatsTwentiesDon't CareFifthPlaces To LiveBest PlacePittsburghCaring Too Much Author:David Letterman
“Shave a gorilla and it would be almost impossible, at twenty paces, to distinguish him from a heavyweight champion of the world. Skin a chimpanzee, and it would take an autopsy to prove he was not a theologian.” WorldHumorWould BeFunnyImpossibleProveSkinsTwentiesChampionPaceTheologianChimpanzeesGorillasHeavyweightsAutopsy Author:H. L. Mencken
“I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".” WayRealHumorFunnyLosesSixTwentiesVirginityMy BoyfriendNineteen Author:Sarah Silverman
“Humorists are not humorous twenty-four hours a day. In fact, when you get to know them well, they are often not humorous at all. They tend to be hypersensitive, taut, neurotic creatures driven by God know what obscure compulsion to earn their living the hard way.” KnowsWayWellsHardFactsHumorHoursFourCreaturesHumorousTwentiesDrivenObscureGod KnowsCompulsionNeuroticHumoristsHard Way Book:Color blind: a white woman looks at the Negro Source: Color blind: a white woman looks at the Negro
“And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.” IfsMenHumorFunnyGayTenPercentTwentiesChosenChineseKneesOddsFree Time Author:Bo Burnham
“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"” WorldLooksHumorFunnyBeautifulGuyDecisionMinutesNew YorkTwentiesUrgentBeautiful WomenCraziestMost Beautiful Woman In The World Author:David Cross
“For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.” HumorFunnyAudienceComedyMinutesListeningConversationJokesTwentiesFollowingCakeStand Up Comedy Author:Jim Gaffigan