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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“By his provocations to good-natured merriment, a humorist of the first water contributes as much to the sum of happiness as the gravest philosopher.”

Firsts Humor Water Philosopher Humorists Provocation Merriment

Author:Christian Nestell Bovee

“How often have not the demons called 'Nix,' drawn women and girls into the water, and there had commerce with them, with fearful consequences.”

Humor Girl Water Religious Consequence Demon Fearful Commerce

Book:The Life of Luther Written by Himself

Source: The Life of Luther Written by Himself

“Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt...people.”

People Humor Water Hurt Religious Dark Ready Woods Demon Wilderness Black Clouds

Author:Martin Luther

“Two devils rose from the water, and flew off through the air, crying, 'Oh, oh, oh!' and turning one over another, in sportive mockery.”

Two Humor Water Religious Air Cry Devil Rose Flew Mockery Sportive

Book:The Life of Luther

Source: The Life of Luther

“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.”

Knows Trying Use Humor Light Funny Used Night Turns Water Nice Middle Dating Get Up Bathroom Turn-on Middle Of The Night Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"”

Ifs Looks Long Humor Funny Actors Fun Water Saws Feet Amount Balls Having Fun Seconds Pool Maximum Jimmy Goggles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"”

Thinking Knows Needs Mean Hard Humor Seems Funny Night Water Tvs Products Late Garden Plant Late Night Very Mean Cactus

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Streets full of water. Please Advise.”

Humor Funny Water Streets Please Advise

Author:Robert Benchley

“Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.”

Ifs Humor Bigs Funny Water Pay Study Tomorrow Tests Gas Candle Electricity Daddy

Author:Chris Rock

“If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”

Ifs Should Ends Humor Funny Water Week Drink Garden Scientist Ass Bottles

Author:Lewis Black

“I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.”

Thinking Should Littles Helping Humor Funny Moving Water Walks Saws Charity Miles Appeals Guardian Fetch

Author:Jimmy Carr

“I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."”

Knows Trying Firsts Humor Funny Water Yeah Selling Kicks Haha Bottled Water

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.”

Knows Ideas Facts Humor Funny Sides Water Rough Bottles Printed Chemist

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"”

Want Kind Hard Humor Funny Water Drink Shots Yeah Glasses Eight Ems I Am Single

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!”

Humor Funny Water Doctors Raised Knees Fees Sponges

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.”

People Feels Trying Humor Funny Water Wife Lays Sorry My Wife Fats Beach

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.”

Thinking Made Humor Funny Jesus Water Liberty Magic Wine Disappear 80s Statues Statue Of Liberty

Author:Sarah Silverman