Home / Topics / Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes

Browse 3047 quotes about Humorous.

Humorous Quotes

“You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.”

Thinking Knows Men World Should White Party Know How Example Humorous Dresses Shoes Suits Farmers Leisure Plastic Pigs Costumes Belts

Author:Dave Barry

“If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.”

Ifs Knows Want Law Asks Know How Advice Humorous In-laws Sister In Law

Author:E. W. Howe

“When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.”

Knows Play Humor Funny Know How Drink Humorous Wine Drinking Alcohol Drunk Sober Liquor Drinking Alcohol

Author:Richard Burton

“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.”

“You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat.”

Knows Has Beens Humor Funny Party Know How Republican Humorous Democrat Anti Conservative

Author:Jackie Kennedy

“I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.”

Source: Goodness Had Nothing to Do with it: Autobiography

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.”

People Knows Feels Should Two Life Is Cases Know How Lucky Humorous Blind Witty Horrible Miserable Categories Divided Life And Love Being Thankful Crippled Terminal Annie Hall Blind People

Author:Woody Allen

“I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.”

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.”

Knows Know How Humorous Mirrors Sticks Bottom Hey Do You Know Pool Blonde

Author:Stephenie Meyer

“You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.”

Knows Mean Seems Girl Brain Know How Personality Humorous Vocal Cords Paralysis Jeeves Vocal Cords Cauliflower

Book:Right Ho, Jeeves

Source: Right Ho, Jeeves

“Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.”

Knows Men Inspirational Long Funny Marriage Know How Nice Wife Humorous Tired Witty Husband And Wife Funny Marriage Husband Wife Funny Husband And Wife

Book:Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin

Source: Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin