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Humorous Quotes

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Humorous Quotes

“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.”

PeopleTryingFirstsKindTwoFunnySuccessLeadershipWorkGroupsHard WorkPoliticianSucceedHumorousLaborCompetitionWittyEducationalCreditMinistersBeing SuccessfulGrandfatherGood WorkFatherhoodGrandparentKey To SuccessMy GrandfatherRoad To SuccessRecipe For SuccessGrandpaMotivational WorkLabor DayHard Work Pays OffIgnorance Is BlissGreat GrandfatherGreat GrandparentsMay DayLabour DayHard Work MotivationalHappy Labor DayLabor Day WishesFathers And GrandfathersValue Of Hard WorkWork Appreciation
Author:Indira Gandhi
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“The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.”

IfsWayFeelsTwoHumorFunnyNamesPartyLordHeardRepublicanHumorousDemocratReverseDamsHooverHoover Dam
Book:Will Rogers Speaks: Over 1,000 Timeless Quotations for Public Speakers (writers, Politicians, Comedians, Browsers ...)
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“As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”

ChildrenTwoFunnyChoicesParentFamilyMomEatingHumorousMy FamilyCookingParentingMy MomMotherhoodFitnessMothers DayBeing A MomYour MomBeing A MotherMotheringMenusHappy Mothers DayChildren And ParentsHealth And FitnessEating FoodFunny ParentingMother And ChildFunny FoodFood And EatingTwo ChoicesBeing IrishFunny ParentHealth FoodHealth FitnessMother ChildGood Happy Mothers DayFunny FamilyJust A MomFunny Mothers DayFunny MotherhoodBest MomParenthood FunnyFunny MotherWellness And FitnessMom And ChildFood ChoicesFunny IrishMothers Day Cards
Author:Buddy Hackett
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“Indeed, it may be laid down as a general principle, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amount of violence and vagabondism; for in ancient days those two amusements, combining a wholesome excitement with a promising means of repairing shattered fortunes, were at once the ennobling pursuit and the healthful recreation of the Quality of this land.”

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Book:The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit
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“Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.”

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Author:Woody Allen
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“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

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Author:Milton Berle
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“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.”

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Author:Norman Wisdom
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“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.”

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Author:Woody Allen
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“You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night," "For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to alive person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you.”

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Book:Dead in Dixie
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“Two wrongs don't make a right.”

TwoHumorousMathematicsExcuseRevengeMathInequalityAviationWrongAphorismCorrectnessGreat AviationShackLemonadeMurphys LawMaking ExcusesNumbers And MathPilots And FlyingFunny MathematicsProverbs WisdomFunny And WittySarcastic One LinersTruenessWork HumorWise ProverbsFunny WittyWitty One LinersFunny CleverClever And WittyHaste Makes WasteGophers
Book:The GFG: The Guid Freendly Giant: The BFG in Scots
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“There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.”

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Author:Tony Hoare
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“"There are one or two elementary rules to be observed in the way of handling patients," he remarked, seating himself on the table and swinging his legs. "The most obvious is that you must never let them see that you want them. It should be pure condescension on your part seeing them at all; and the more difficulties you throw in the way of it, the more they think of it. Break your patients in early, and keep them well to heel."”

ThinkingWayWantShouldWellsTwoBreakSeeingPureHumorousDifficultyTablesPatientObviousLegsSarcasmHeelsCondescensionCondescension And
Book:ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE Ultimate Collection: 21 Novels, 188 Short Stories, 88 Poems & 7 Plays, Including Works on Spirituality, Historical Writings & Personal Memoirs (Illustrated): The Sherlock Holmes Series, The Professor Challenger Books, The Brigadier Gerard Stories, The White Company, The Great Shadow, Mystery of Cloomber, Beyond The City, A History of the Great War…
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“The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.”

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Book:Mark Twain’s Letters & Speeches (Annotated Edition)
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