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A Grief Observed

Book by C. S. Lewis · 50 quotes · Grief, Grief Observed, Loss

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A Grief Observed Quotes

“You can’t see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears. You can’t, in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately: anyway, you can’t get the best out of it. ‘Now! Let’s have a real good talk’ reduces everyone to silence. ‘I must get a good sleep tonight’ ushers in hours of wakefulness. Delicious drinks are wasted on a really ravenous thirst. Is it similarly the very intensity of the longing that draws the iron curtain, that makes us feel we are staring into a vacuum when we think about our dead? ‘Them as asks’ (at any rate ‘as asks too importunately’) don’t get. Perhaps can’t.”

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“It was too perfect to last,' so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But it can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic - as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it ('None of that here!'). As if He were like the Hostess at the sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean 'This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.' As if God said, 'Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.”

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“Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. Do these notes merely aggravate that side of it? Merely confirm the monotonous, tread-mill march of the mind round one subject? But what am I to do? I must have some drug, and reading isn’t a strong enough drug now. By writing it all down (all?—no: one thought in a hundred) I believe I get a little outside it.”

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“Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.”

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“I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an harrow to the string, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead thought to H. I set out on one of them. But now there's an impassable frontierpost across it. So many roads once; now so many culs de sac.”

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“Keeping promises to the dead, or to anyone else, is very well. But I begin to see that 'respect for the wishes of the dead' is a trap. Yesterday I stopped myself only in time from saying about some trifle 'H. wouldn't have liked that.' This is unfair to the others. I should soon be using 'what H. would have liked' as an instrument of domestic tyranny; with her supposed likings becoming a thinner and thinner disguise for my own.”

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“Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes—like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night— little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes—ten seconds—of the real H. would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would begin to fall again. The rough, sharp, cleansing tang of her otherness is gone. What pitiable cant to say, ‘She will live forever in my memory!’ ‘Live?’ That is exactly what she won’t do. You might as well think like the old Egyptians that you can keep the dead by embalming them. Will nothing persuade us that they are gone? What’s left? A corpse, a memory, and (in some versions) a ghost. All mockeries or horrors. Three more ways of spelling the word ‘dead.”

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“Today I had to meet a man I haven’t seen for ten years. And all that time I had thought I was remembering him well—how he looked and spoke and the sort of things he said. The first five minutes of the real man shattered the image completely. Not that he had changed. On the contrary. I kept on thinking, ‘Yes, of course, of course. I’d forgotten that he thought that—or disliked this, or knew soand-so—or jerked his head back that way.’ I had known all these things once and I recognized them the moment I met them again. But they had all faded out of my mental picture of him, and when they were all replaced by his actual presence the total effect was quite astonishingly different from the image I had carried about with me for those ten years. How can I hope that this will not happen to my memory of H.? That it is not happening already? Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes—like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night— little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes—ten seconds—of the real H. would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would begin to fall again. The rough, sharp, cleansing tang of her otherness is gone.”

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“And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief. Except at my job—where the machine seems to run on much as usual—I loathe the slightest effort. Not only writing but even reading a letter is too much. Even shaving. What does it matter now whether my cheek is rough or smooth? They say an unhappy man wants distractions—something to take him out of himself. Only as a dog-tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night; he’d rather lie there shivering than get up and find one. It’s easy to see why the lonely become untidy, finally, dirty and disgusting.”

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“If H. 'is not,' then she never was. I mistook a cloud of atoms for a person. There aren't, and never were, any people. Death only reveals the vacuity that was always there. What we call the living are simply those who have not yet been unmasked. All equally bankrupt, but some not yet declared. But this must be nonsense; vacuity revealed to whom? Bankruptcy declared to whom? To other boxes of fireworks or clouds of atoms. I will never believe--more strictly I can't believe--that one set of physical events could be, or make, a mistake about other sets.”

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“For a good wife contains so many persons in herself. What was H. not to me? She was my daughter and my mother, my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign; and always, holding all these in solution, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress; but at the same time all that any man friend (and I have good ones) has ever been to me. Perhaps more.”

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“If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.”

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“Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand. Unless, of course, you can literally believe all that stuff about family reunions 'on the further shore,' pictured in entirely earthly terms. But that is all unscriptural, all out of bad hymns and lithographs. There's not a word of it in the Bible. And it rings false. We know it couldn't be like that. Reality never repeats. The exact same thing is never taken away and given back. How well the Spiritualists bait their hook! 'Things on this side are not so different after all.' There are cigars in Heaven. For that is what we should all like. The happy past restored.”

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“Why do I make room in my mind for such filth and nonsense? Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less? Aren't all these notes the senseless writhings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device (if only he could find it) which will make pain not to be pain. It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in your lap. The drill drills on.”

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“Already, less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning of a process that will make the H. I think of into a more and more imaginary woman. Founded on fact, no doubt. I shall put in nothing fictitious (or I hope I shan't). But won't the composition inevitably become more and more my own? The reality is no longer there to check me, to pull me up short, as the real H. so often did, so unexpectedly, by being so thoroughly herself and not me.”

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“Gran parte de una desgracia cualquiera consiste, por así decirlo, en la sombra de la desgracia, en la reflexión sobre ella. Es decir en el hecho de que no se limite uno a sufrir, sino que se vea obligado a seguir considerando el hecho de que sufre. Yo cada uno de mis días interminables no solamente lo vivo en pena, sino pensando en lo que es vivir en pena un día detrás de otro.”

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“Si de repente «sufrir en vez de ella» se convirtiera en una posibilidad real, entonces por primera vez nos daríamos cuenta de la importancia de su significado. ¿Se nos ha permitido esto alguna vez? Se le permitió a una Persona (Jesucristo), según nos han contado, y me doy cuenta de que ahora puedo volver a creer que Él hizo en nombre de otro todo lo que es posible hacer en ese sentido. Y Él contesta a nuestro balbuceo: «No puedes y no te atreves. Yo pude y me atrevi.»”

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“Toda la realidad es iconoclasta. La Amada terrenal, incluso en vida, triunfa incesantemente sobre la mera idea que se tiene de ella. Y quiere uno que así sea. Se la quiere con todas sus barreras, todos sus defectos y toda su imprevisibilidad. Es decir, es su directa e independiente realidad. Y esto, no una imagen o un recuerdo, es lo que debemos seguir amando, después de que ha muerto. Pero «esto» resulta ahora inimaginable. En este sentido H. y todos los muertos son como Dios. En este sentido, amarla a ella se ha convertido, dentro de ciertos límites, como amarle a Él. En los dos casos tengo que hacer que el amor abra sus brazos y sus manos a la realidad (sus ojos aquí no cuentan), a través y por encima de toda la cambiante fantasmagoría de mis pensamientos, pasiones e imaginaciones. No debo conformarme con la fantasmagoría misma y adorarla en lugar de Él o amarla en lugar de ella.”

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“Se cree a veces que los muertos nos están mirando. Y pensamos, con razón o sin ella, que, si nos miran, lo harán con mucha mayor claridad que antes. ¿Se dará cuenta ahora H. de cuánto espumarajo y oropel había en lo que tanto ella como yo llamábamos «mi amor»? Así sea. Mírame sin piedad, querida. Ni aunque pudiera hacerlo me escondería. No solíamos idealizarnos uno a otro. No teníamos secretos uno para el otro. Conocías de sobra mis rincones más putrefactos. Si ahora descubres algo aún peor, soy capaz de soportarlo. Y tú también. Rebate, explícate, búrlate de mí, perdóname. Porque este es uno de los milagros del amor; que consigue dar a la pareja –pero quizá más aún a la mujer– el poder de penetrar en sus propios engaños, y a pesar de todo no vivir desengañada.”

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“Una sociedad, una comunión, basada en la pura inteligencia no tendría por qué ser fría, desolada e inhóspita. Claro que tampoco resultaría ser eso a lo que la gente se refiere cuando usa palabras como espiritual, místico o sagrado. Si yo pudiera tener un atisbo de ello sería como…; bueno, casi me da miedo echar mano de los adjetivos que puedo utilizar. ¿Enérgico? ¿Entusiasta? ¿Atinado? ¿Alerta? ¿Intenso? ¿Despierto? No sé, por encima de todo, sólido. Totalmente de fiar. Firme. Los muertos no se andan con tonterías. Cuando digo «intelecto», incluyo la voluntad. La atención es un acto de voluntad. La inteligencia en acción es voluntad por excelencia.”

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“El hecho de haber alcanzado un grado menor de malentendido sobre lo que debe ser la inteligencia pura, no ha de hacerme llevarlo demasiado lejos. También cuenta, valga lo que valga, la resurrección de la carne. No somos capaces de entender. Puede que lo que menos entendamos sea lo mejor. ¿No se ha debatido ya, en tiempos, si la visión final de Dios era más un acto de inteligencia que de amor? Ésta es probablemente otra de esas preguntas disparatadas. ¡Qué cruel sería convocar a los muertos caso de que pudiéramos hacerlo!”

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“And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.”

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