“The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.” HouseWhitePlansRelationRussiaWhite HouseCuba Author:Craig Ferguson
“Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.'” FeelsSaidTodayHousePresidentWhiteMetsYeahWhite HousePresident Obama Author:Craig Ferguson
“The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.” WantedCoursesHousePresidentWhiteMeetingsGolfSnowWhite HouseCoveredGolf Course Author:Craig Ferguson
“In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.” HouseSocialPartySecurityMembersBenefitsBillsDenyNaziSocial Security Author:Craig Ferguson
“Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.” MenJobsHouseRichProtestScareMaidsRich ManDaytimeSchwarzenegger Author:Craig Ferguson
“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'” KnowsShouldTryingLongHouseEnergyViewsTalkingMiddleOilFlamesCurtainsSpillsSolar EnergyOil Spill Author:Craig Ferguson
“The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.” ShouldHas BeensGirlHouseShould HaveInternationalClubsSexyNakedMagazinesBritainShould Have BeenPancakesCockneys Author:Craig Ferguson
“North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.” GivingHouseWhiteActingPlansWeaponsNuclearIranWhite HouseNuclear WeaponsKoreaNorth Korea Author:Craig Ferguson
“The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.” MeanTwoRealBigsLastsDiesUniverseHouseLove IsNumbersSunForeverExamplePlanetsAbsolutesParadoxStrictNothing Lasts ForeverStrict Rules Book:Between the Bridge and the River: A Novel Source: Between the Bridge and the River: A Novel
“At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.” WantI CanHomeHouse Author:Craig Ferguson
“When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.” ThinkingNeedsSeemsHouseDealsPayBreakFineLegsCreditBankingWrecksRating Author:Craig Ferguson
“Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.” StillsHousePresidentWhiteAnimalMetsTrainingToughWhite HousePresident ObamaInvitedTough TimesBiden Author:Craig Ferguson
