“Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks.” NeedsKidsNightKnownExcuseTeenagerTonightHalloweenMischiefJerkPranks Author:Craig Ferguson
“Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.” WantNeedsTryingYearsNextJokesCampaignsRomneyNext Year Author:Craig Ferguson
“Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!” NeedsHelpingHumorFunnyWaitingCrapNeed HelpCheapness Author:Craig Ferguson
“...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?"” NeedsDoeSaidSelfThreeAsksDown AndSay AnythingSlow DownThree ThingsEdits Author:Craig Ferguson
“Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.” NeedsYearsShowsSchoolLawLawyerHostLaw SchoolTalk Shows Author:Craig Ferguson
“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.” IfsThinkingNeedsShouldTryingTwoKidsLawStuffCitiesFiguresNew YorkJudgingNew York CityBansMayorsEducation SystemSodaPurchasing Author:Craig Ferguson
“I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.” NeedsTiesVulgarEntertainers Author:Craig Ferguson
“It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.” NeedsLongLawDesireThreeDegreesWorshipLong TimeLawyerSatanThree ThingsBachelors Author:Craig Ferguson
“When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.” ThinkingNeedsSeemsHouseDealsPayBreakFineLegsCreditBankingWrecksRating Author:Craig Ferguson
“Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.” NeedsSaidFunSexGayHollywoodFilledAffairCongressThese DaysHaving FunCandidatesSenateEvaluateChristineDelaware Author:Craig Ferguson
“Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.” NeedsMeanProblemStuffSeriousClimateClimate Change Author:Craig Ferguson
“Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.” IfsNeedsYearsHandsNextWinningWaterFiveFeetHundredScientistElectionDenyCaliforniaPresidentialCandidatesGlobal WarmingCoastRomneyPresidential Candidate Author:Craig Ferguson
