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Kevin Hearne

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Famous Kevin Hearne Quotes

“Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk.”

PeopleIfsTryingTwoIdeasNextGoes OnPaperLet MeWheelsElectricityToiletsGreat IdeaToilet Paper
Book:The Iron Druid Chronicles 6-Book Bundle: Hounded, Hexed, Hammered, Tricked, Trapped, Hunted
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“Aw, no. You’re taking us to that vegetarian place, aren’t you? It’s a coffee place. You can’t just automatically classify anything that isn’t a steak house as vegetarian. Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert their own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient facts as mere opinions.”

IfsSaidI CanFactsAmericaHouseOpinionMereCoffeeVegetarianSteakInconvenientYes I CanSteak House
Book:The Iron Druid Chronicles Starter Pack 3-Book Bundle: Hounded, Hexed, Hammered
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“Oh noes, kitteh haz major angriez!” I said. I turned around to share a laugh with my companions and found them glaring at me. “What?” I asked. Leif shook a finger and said in a low, menacing tone, “If you tell me I have to talk like an illiterate halfwit to fit into this society, I will punch you.” “And I’ll pull out your goatee,” Gunnar added. “Lolcat iz new happeh wai 2 talk,” I explained to them. “U doan haz 2 be kitteh 2 speek it.”

IfsSaidFoundLaughingShareFitMajorsLowsFingersToneCompanionIlliterateThis Society
Book:Hammered (with bonus short story): The Iron Druid Chronicles, Book Three
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“Brighid’s eyes flashed with a blue flame, and I wondered if she had learned to do that just so she could compete with the Morrigan’s red flashes. Maybe I should try to figure out how to make my eyes flash green so I could freak out the baristas at Starbucks. “No, you foolish mortal,” I’d say as my eyes glowed, “I ordered a nonfat latte.”

IfsShouldTryingEyeFiguresRedBlueGreenFoolishMortalsFlamesFreakFlashStarbucksLattesBarista
Book:Hexed: The Iron Druid Chronicles, Book Two
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“-“Say no more,” Leif interrupted. “I understand. I will simply have to kill them all myself.” -"There he goes again. I’m telling you, Danny Elfman would love to get hold of those lines." -"Not John Williams?" -"If you’ve got some hopelessly overmatched heroes fighting evil and some Imperial types marching, John Williams is your guy. You need a song to make people reach for a box of Kleenex, talk to Randy Newman. But if you want creepy atmospherics and spine-shivering chords to back up your casual death threats, you gotta bring in Danny Elfman.”

PeopleIfsWantNeedsGuySongFightingEvilLinesTypeHeroThreatBoxesChordsCasualCreepySpineInterruptedRandyNewmanFighting EvilKleenex
Author:Kevin Hearne
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“Awesome! I'd just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn't care. We ordered the insanely expensive stuff, seventy-five dollars for a 1.75-ounce pour of premium Irish whiskey, because if you're doing a shot with Jesus, you don't buy him scotch.”

IfsBelieveCareJesusStuffFiveShotsDollarsExpensiveSeventiesWhiskeyBulliedScotchPremium
Book:Hammered (with bonus short story): The Iron Druid Chronicles, Book Three
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“I've often been flabbergasted by modern pharmaceutical ads on television. The list of side effects for some maladies often sound worse than the condition they're supposed to treat. Once I even heard "heart failure" listed as a side effect, and I wondered how that happened. Heart failure sounds like a pretty major event to me, and if you're willing to risk heart failure in order to avoid the mild discomfort of some other condition, then may the gods shield you from harm, since you're obviously seeking it out.”

IfsHeartMayOrderSoundSidesRiskHappenedHeardModernConditionsEffectsEventsTelevisionWillingMajorsTreatsSeekingHarmListsAdsDiscomfortShieldsSide EffectsMaladyPharmaceuticalHeart Failure
Book:The Iron Druid Chronicles 6-Book Bundle: Hounded, Hexed, Hammered, Tricked, Trapped, Hunted
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“I had an ASU student looking for it in my shop last week, and he defined the Bacchants for me as 'those drunk chicks who killed that one dude because he wouldn't have sex with them.' His professors must be so proud. I asked him if he knew what maenads were, and instead of correctly answering that it was just another name for Bacchants, he bizarrely thought I was referring to my own testicles - as in, "'Ere now, mate, don't swing that bat around me nads.'" The conversation deteriorated quickly after that.”

IfsLastsNamesSexMy OwnWeekStudentsProudConversationDrunkDefinedShopsProfessorsMatesSwingsBatsChicksReferringTesticlesMaenads
Book:Hexed: The Iron Druid Chronicles, Book Two
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“I suspect that many of us, if given the chance to make one person in our lives love us more, would have no trouble in choosing where to point a finger. We are all needy, all vulnerable, all terrified that perhaps that person has an excellent reason to withhold affection. We shape our purposes to make ourselves worthy and often do not see until much later how it was love-or perhaps the lack of it-that both picked us up and dropped us off at crossroads.”

IfsLovePersonsReasonPurposeGivenChanceOur LivesTroubleShapesFingersAffectionWorthyVulnerableExcellentLove LifeSuspectsTerrifiedNeedyCrossroads
Author:Kevin Hearne
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