“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” Quote by Emo Philips
“Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.” IfsMenNeedsTwoEmotionHungryHilariousSandwichesBargainsHorny Author:Adi Da
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.” ThinkingMenFunnyFatherRealizingSonHumorousParentingHilariousFather SonFunny Parenting Author:Charles Wadsworth
“It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.” InspirationalKidsFunnyCarParentingHilariousVacuumsLawnsBeing A MomCleanersBeing A ParentFunny ParentingFunny ParentMowers Author:Ben Berger
“We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.” WorldRememberAnimalGratitudePetInsectsHilariousSpidersInspirational ChristmasPicnicsWorld Domination Author:Bill Vaughan
“My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.” BigsWantedFunnyTvsHusbandMovedScreensChairsMy HusbandHilariousBig Screen Author:Wendy Liebman
“The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.” KnowsGivingBelieveChildrenStillsEnoughFunnyYoungTalkingAdviceOur ChildrenYour ChildrenHilariousBest Times Author:Evan Esar
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” InspirationalFunnySportsHumorousMachinesMy FavoriteActressesComedianWellnessGymFitnessHilariousGymnasiumsVending Machines Author:Caroline Rhea
“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” PeopleBornBirthFavorsSarcasticHilariousBirth ControlContraceptionFunny Sarcastic Author:Benny Hill
“Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.” WayLightLettersTwentiesSpellsFewerIntroducingCentsNew WaysHilariousEnglish LanguageIgnorance Is Bliss Author:Jerry Seinfeld