“My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.” PeopleReasonHumorFunnyBed Book:Beds Source: Beds
“The Devil can so completely assume the human form, when he wants to deceive us, that we may well lie with what seems to be a woman, of real flesh and blood, and yet all the while 'tis only the Devil in the shape of a woman. 'Tis the same with women, who may think that a man is in bed with them, yet 'tis only the Devil; and...the result of this connection is oftentimes an imp of darkness, half mortal, half devil.” ThinkingMenWantHumansWellsMayRealHumorSeemsFormLyingReligiousResultsHalfDarknessBloodShapesBedDevilConnectionsAssumingFleshMortalsDeceivingFlesh And BloodHuman Form Author:Martin Luther
“I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.” WellsHumorFunnyThreeMinutesBedYeahSizeBlowStoresAssKicksZeroSecondsBedroomMattresses Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."” IfsWellsHumorFunnyFiguresBedDirectDinnerHungryChairsBreakfastLunchBed And Breakfasts Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!” ShowsHumorFunnyGuyGamesSexBedFairsPickyFair Game Author:Chelsea Handler
“Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.” HumorFunnyGuyFunMorningLaughingBedGirlfriendMonkeysCatchingOther GuysKickingCaloriesYour GirlfriendMidget Author:Dave Attell
“I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.” HumorFunnyMorningWifeBedKissingMy WifeHonourLap Author:Frank Carson
“I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?” IfsHumorFunnyFacesBedTransplantsThreesome Author:Frankie Boyle
“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.” WantWellsSaidHumorFunnyDoorsBedWindowStuckBreakfast Author:Tommy Cooper
“As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'” ThinkingFeelsSoulHumorFunnyTogetherPastSleepBabyBedMouthsDiedYeahLaysComing OutBizarreDeprivationPast LifeSleep Deprivation Author:Adam Ferrara
“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'” MenWellsHumorBigsEyeRunningFunnyNightChoicesCausesHurtDealsMiddleHugeBedBiggerPopsBedroomDaddyMiddle Of The NightBoogie Author:Adam Ferrara
“I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.” WantWellsSaidHumorFunnyBedWindowBreakfastBellsBed And Breakfasts Author:Chic Murray
“My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.” MadeHumorFunnyMotherFatherHouseProudBed Author:Chic Murray