“I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"” WellsSaidHumorActionFunnyCuttingDirectGoodbyeHotelSaying GoodbyeOperators Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."” NeedsFeelsWellsHumorFunnyFormThreePiecesFourCuttingMiddleMembersClubsCirclesBreadEmsChipsSandwichesDumpTrianglesToothpicksStipulations Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"” ThinkingShouldHumorHappensFunnyWishCuttingCarMonthsPressesThings HappenCrapHornsSidewalk Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".” IfsKnowsShouldHumorFunnyTogetherCuttingArmsTypeCornCorn On The Cob Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"” ThinkingSaidHumorFunnyAnswersCuttingLike YouUnderstoodRaisedDamnRestaurantsEggsChickensSandwichesWaitressBuns Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"” ThinkingSaidShowsHumorBigsFunnyCompanyCuttingBallsIntentionTennisEmsThey SaidScrewsPotatoesInitialsRubberLaid BackTennis BallsPringles Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"” MenWayWantLooksHardHomeHumorWould BeFunnyHoursHalfCuttingGrassMobileSneakRepo Man Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.” HumorFunnyMy OwnToo MuchCuttingHairSickComing OutBarbers Author:Robert Frost
“Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.” TryingSometimesHumorFunnyTogetherSuccessfulCuttingJokesFatsTape Author:David Cross
“I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."” KnowsShouldI CanTwoHumorFunnyTogetherStuffLosesBreakForeverCuttingRocksFinePaperThirdsDestroyedDamageTake MeBentBreak ThroughBack TogetherDynamiteScissors Author:Demetri Martin
“I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.” KnowsHumorFunnyLastsGuyCuttingWifeWeekMonthsCoupleMy WifeNo Respect Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.” IfsHas BeensHumorFunnyRoomsLaughingCuttingOfficeExamination Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories
“Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!” HumorEyeFunnyLastsMillionsCuttingBirdTinyTricksTemplesHittingPieLast TimeFlewCutters Author:Noel Fielding
“A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.” WantWellsHumorWantedLawMotherGuyNextCuttingDogMonthsWelcomeTailsIn-lawsIndicationVisitingMother In LawVets Author:Karel Capek
“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'” SaidHomeHumorLightFunnyHouseEnergyJusticeCuttingYesterdayChecksGermanyAnd Off Author:Steven Wright