“Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.” HumorFunnyWaitingBehindsBaseballFats Author:Jerry Coleman
“Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.” TryingSometimesHumorFunnyTogetherSuccessfulCuttingJokesFatsTape Author:David Cross
“Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."” FeelsLooksImportantSelfHumorFunnyGuyLostMonthsDisciplineImportant ThingsSevenFatsFeel GoodPoundsComing OutSelf DisciplineHostageLebanonI Feel GoodSeven Months Author:Denis Leary
“That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.” IfsGivingHumorBigsFunnyJesusSidesBlackSonWalkingRight NowGive MeDiedGladFatsBeerDamnGutsJerusalemFriesFrench FriesCheeseburger Author:Denis Leary
“I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.” KnowsHumansLittlesHelpingHumorFunnyBitsRichSpreadFatsIrresistibleGrenadeOrchids Author:Dylan Moran
“I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.” LooksSaidHumorFunnyFatsGirlfriendWhy NotSwimMy Girlfriend Author:Jimmy Carr
“It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'” MenWantKindMomentsDreamHumorFunnyDiesHalfSickMirrorsFatsCompromiseSomedayThat MomentOther HalfLooking In The Mirror Author:Marc Maron
“And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!” TwoHumorFunnyWatchesFatsGirlfriendZoneMy GirlfriendTime Zones Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.” PeopleFeelsTryingHumorFunnyWaterWifeLaysSorryMy WifeFatsBeach Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.” HumorFunnyMarkFatsBathtubsStretch Marks Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.” HumorFunnyFatsButtonsEchoesBellyBelly Buttons Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.” PeopleIfsKnowsI CanHumorFunnyKnow HowGayFatsCerebralCerebral Palsy Author:Zach Galifianakis
“You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.” KnowsHumorFunnyFitFatsSock Author:Zach Galifianakis
“God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.” YearsLittlesHumorFunnyHateWishHoursI HateMirrorsNakedFatsMeatNew YearMediocreWish YouNew Years Eve Author:Jim Norton
“Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.'” PeopleThinkingHumorFunnyPiecesPaintingFatsContributionCousinGangstersSprayNicknamesMy CousinCostco Author:Natasha Leggero