Home / Topics / Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“It is not in the power of every one to taste humor, however he may wish it; it is the gift of God! and a true feeler always brings half the entertainment along with him.”

May Humor Wish Half Taste Entertainment Gift From God Feeler

Book:The Works of Laurence Sterne, in One Volume

Source: The Works of Laurence Sterne, in One Volume

“The Devil can so completely assume the human form, when he wants to deceive us, that we may well lie with what seems to be a woman, of real flesh and blood, and yet all the while 'tis only the Devil in the shape of a woman. 'Tis the same with women, who may think that a man is in bed with them, yet 'tis only the Devil; and...the result of this connection is oftentimes an imp of darkness, half mortal, half devil.”

Thinking Men Want Humans Wells May Real Humor Seems Form Lying Religious Results Half Darkness Blood Shapes Bed Devil Connections Assuming Flesh Mortals Deceiving Flesh And Blood Human Form

Author:Martin Luther

“I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"”

Thinking Humor Funny Half Saws Six Commitment Sells Pops Mess Cents Packs Soda Six Packs Soda Pop

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.”

Doe Humor Funny Half Land

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"”

Men Way Want Looks Hard Home Humor Would Be Funny Hours Half Cutting Grass Mobile Sneak Repo Man

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!”

People Stills Humor Funny Half Gone Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The clever men of Oxford, know all that there is to be knowed but they none of them know one half as much as intelligent Mr. Toad.”

Knows Men Humor Funny Half Intelligent Clever Oxford One Half Toads Clever Man Oxford University

Author:Kenneth Grahame

“Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!”

Doe Humor Funny Guy Fall Half Saws Projects Boxes Entertainment Tricks Desperate Hats This Guy Magician Rabbits

Author:Chris Rock

“You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is!”

Knows Important Humor Funny Decision Half Strange Couple Members Lonely Intelligent Sane Organisms Strange Things

Author:Dylan Moran

“I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.”

Humor Funny Hours Behinds Half Doors Lovely Hotel Staying Sheets Dressings Robes Suitcases Fluffy

Author:Frank Carson

“It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'”

Men Want Kind Moments Dream Humor Funny Dies Half Sick Mirrors Fats Compromise Someday That Moment Other Half Looking In The Mirror

Author:Marc Maron

“My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.”

Humor Funny Half Dad Exciting My Dad Manic Depressive

Author:Marc Maron

“Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.”

Humor School Funny Hours Half Boys Watches Wife Minutes Stupid Daughter My Wife My Daughter Public School Bargains

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”

Knows I Can Humor Funny Half Magic Members Very Good Circles Tricks

Author:Tim Vine

“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.”

People Important Stories Humor Light Eye Kids Funny Used Guy Jesus Causes Half Laughing Saws Right Now Okay Blind His Eyes Traffic Armstrong Half Full Bracelet

Author:Daniel Tosh