“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” KnowsSaidHumorFunnyMotherFatherBirthEasierHundredDollarsFather Son Author:Rita Rudner
“People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"” PeopleLongUseHumorFunnyMotherGuyFoundWishHairDrugDaughterLongingExcitedExtremesStrangerSmellCakeAssociatesThat GuyLong HairFlourDrug Use Author:Mitch Hedberg
“My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.” MadeEnoughHumorFunnyMotherFatherBloodFiguresProudIndianQuartersArithmeticCherokeeCherokee Indian Book:The Will Rogers scrapbook Source: The Will Rogers scrapbook
“That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.” MayHumorFunnyMotherBishops Author:Brendan Behan
“Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"” HumorFunnyFilmMotherOur LivesMilkDetectivesFridges Author:Bill Bailey
“I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."” HumorFunnyRememberLyingMotherNamesBoysMadWho You AreDon't LieLie To MeDon't Lie To Me Author:Bill Cosby
“My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.” WantLooksHumorFunnyMotherHoursRoomsFiveMessWant MePigsHe Wants Me Author:Bill Cosby
“"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.” SaidHumorFunnyRememberMotherWorstSickTired Author:Bill Cosby
“All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?” PeopleThinkingHumorFunnyMotherCausesWhiteCrazyFranceSoilDetroitPussy Author:Chris Rock
“You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.” KnowsTwoHumorFunnyMotherFunTalking Author:Dave Attell
“My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.” MadeHumorFunnyMotherOne DaySundayVitaminsSupplements Author:Milton Jones
“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'” HumorCareFunnyMotherCausesParentNiceMomMonthsDadMadSorryNakedThings To DoGirlfriendMailMy GirlfriendNice ThingsFuriousMessed UpI Am So Sorry Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.” MenHumorFunnyMotherFatherSimpleResultsFrontsStandingSimpletonsSimple Man Author:Chic Murray
“My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.” MadeHumorFunnyMotherFatherHouseProudBed Author:Chic Murray
“This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.” HumorFunnyMotherFatherMinesTerribleUpbringingPrams Author:Chic Murray
“I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?'” ThinkingSaidIdeasWholeHomeHumorFunnyUsedMotherGuyTalkingMy FamilyPlanningAccentsIllinois Author:Natasha Leggero
“On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew."” WantShouldHumorFunnyMotherForgetTalkingSonJewIsraelBusIsraeliCrowdedHebrewYiddishTalking To Him Author:Kirk Douglas
“Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says "7x9=63," because it will remind him of mother.” ChildrenLittlesHumorKidsTodayFunnyFacesMotherParentViewsModernBabyHumorousAdultsExcellenceStartingCardsTrendsExposedWombEightyWallets Author:Dave Barry
“A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.” WantWellsHumorWantedLawMotherGuyNextCuttingDogMonthsWelcomeTailsIn-lawsIndicationVisitingMother In LawVets Author:Karel Capek