“I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?” PeopleThinkingWantShouldWritingSaidHumorFunnyFormHateDutyLike YouReturnMy FriendsI HateRacistJuryChinksJury Duty Author:Sarah Silverman
“Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.” IfsPlayHumorCreativityMy FriendsSense Of Humor Author:Wavy Gravy
“I'm not a very good impersonator, my friends maybe, but not famous people.” PeopleHumorInspirationMy FriendsVery GoodInsightImpersonators Author:Diane Kruger
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'” IfsWantSaidHumorWantedFunnyComedyFoodMy FriendsYeahFrozenBananas Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.” SaidHumorFunnyGirlMy FriendsCookiesThis GirlUntouchablesMailing Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."” KnowsHumorFunnyAsksMy FriendsTestsAidsDo You KnowKnow MeBrian Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"” MadeSaidHumorFunnyStuffSituationWorryBrotherMy FriendsPaidLaysRidiculousOpeningBitesCashSnakesWormsEmergenciesBad Situations Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.” KnowsSaidHumorWantedFunnyHouseSleepKnow HowWallMy FriendsDamnGravity Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."” SaidHumorFunnyMy FriendsRestaurantsSaltScrewsScrew You Author:Mitch Hedberg
“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"” WayPersonsHelpingHumorHandsRunningFunnyChanceFireFiguresBearsAuthorityMy FriendsWoodsIntenseForestsRanAcidSwearingForest FiresAuthority Figures Author:Mitch Hedberg
“So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.” ThinkingHumorKidsFunnyMy FriendsRude Author:David Cross
“All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.” TryingHardHumorKidsFunnyTalkingMy FriendsThirdsYeahGirlfriendAbortionYour GirlfriendFinesseConsecutive Author:David Cross
“My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.” WantHumorFunnyCarMy FriendsJudgementalDork Author:Demetri Martin
“This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.” KnowsBookHumorTodayFunnyMy FriendsWho You AreDedicated Author:Lewis Black
“Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'” MenHumorFunnyGirlAsksOne DayMy FriendsAsk MeThat GirlOne Day At A Time Author:Adam Ferrara
“Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'” MenShouldHumorFunnyLyingEgoMy FriendsDrivenSwearConquestSwear To God Author:Adam Ferrara
“I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.” SoulHumorFunnyDrinkMy FriendsMy FamilyCall MePussyOld Soul Author:Mike Birbiglia
“I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.” HeartHumorEyeFunnyMy FriendsTeethLazyDisgustedLazy Eyes Author:Russell Howard