Best humor & parent Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Religion is a personal, private matter and parents, not public school officials, should decide their children's religious training. We should not have teacher-led prayers in public schools, and school officials should never favor one religion over another, or favor religion over no religion (or vice versa). I also believe that schools should not restrict students' religious liberties. The free exercise of faith is the fundamental right of every American, and that right doesn't stop at the schoolhouse door.”

“You'll hear people say it's racist to test. Folks, it's racist not to test. Because guess who gets shuffled through the system oftentimes? Children whose parents don't speak English as a first language, inner-city kids. It's so much easier to quit on somebody than to remediate.”

People Firsts Children Humor Kids Political Speak Language Parent Cities Easier Tests Folks Quitting Racist Political Humor Speak English Inner City

Author:George W. Bush

“I myself saw and touched at Dessay, a child of this sort, which had no human parents, but had proceeded from the Devil. He was twelve years old, and, in outward form, exactly resembled ordinary children.”

Years Humans Children Humor Form Parent Religious Saws Ordinary Devil Touched Twelve

Book:The Life of Luther Written by Himself

Source: The Life of Luther Written by Himself

“Where are all the sour patch parents?”

Humor Funny Parent Patches Sour

Author:Bo Burnham

“My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.”

Said Humor Funny Parent Pay Sacrifice Druids

Author:Milton Jones

“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.”

Humor Kids Funny Used Parent Sun Saws Nice Wonderful Doors Tree Strange Flower One Day Grass Wonderful Things Cellars Emo

Author:Emo Philips

“I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"”

People Ends Matter Facts Humor Bigs Funny Parent Like You Baby Lawyer Insane Hey Smoke Teenager Pot Pregnant Spoiled Skating Big Families Roller Skating

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!”

People Giving Years Humor Funny Courses Father Jesus Parent Mom Single Life

Author:Robin Williams

“My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.”

Humor Funny Parent Radio Like Me Toys Bathtubs Blenders Transistors

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."”

Want Said Humor Kids Funny Parent Five Thousand Dollars Notes They Said No Respect Kidnapped

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'”

Humor Care Funny Mother Causes Parent Nice Mom Months Dad Mad Sorry Naked Things To Do Girlfriend Mail My Girlfriend Nice Things Furious Messed Up I Am So Sorry

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.”

Knows Feels Littles Stills Humor Funny Found Parent Serious Brother Eating Caught Tiny Bags Funeral Airline Peanuts Allergies Little Brother My Little Brother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.”

Humor Funny Parent Forever Saws Gas Uncles Dukes Overalls Possums Gas Money

Author:Bill Engvall

“My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.”

Humor Funny Parent Understood

Author:Chic Murray

“I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."”

Should Said Humor Funny Parent Realizing Technology Dad Mets Computer My Dad Programmers Computer Programmers

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today's competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents' faces. As an adult, he'll carry around a little wallet card that says "7x9=63," because it will remind him of mother.”

Children Littles Humor Kids Today Funny Faces Mother Parent Views Modern Baby Humorous Adults Excellence Starting Cards Trends Exposed Womb Eighty Wallets

Author:Dave Barry

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