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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.”

Humor Funny Rounds Girlfriend Restaurants Hotel One Time Merry My Girlfriend Merry Go Round Rotating Burritos

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"”

Thinking Said Humor Funny Answers Cutting Like You Understood Raised Damn Restaurants Eggs Chickens Sandwiches Waitress Buns

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."”

Said Humor Funny My Friends Restaurants Salt Screws Screw You

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!”

People Ifs Knows Two Humor Seems Care Funny Three Next Names Waiting Answers Party Happened Missing Calling Yeah Busy Lists Hungry Restaurants

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.”

Thinking Want Humor Funny America Asks Felt Sides Right Now Eating Red Folks Ask Me Meat Restaurants Vegetarian Bowls Dishes Broccoli Red Meat Wimps Side Dishes

Author:Denis Leary

“We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.”

“I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."”

Said Humor Funny Hours Four East Restaurants Gas Waiter Octopus

Author:Frank Carson

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

Humor Funny Restaurants Drivers Volkswagens

Author:Tim Vine

“I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'”

Should Looks Said Two Humor Funny Lasts Night Week Cold Chinese Meals Restaurants Chickens Last Night Two Weeks Waiter

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".”

Said Humor Eye Funny Red Rose Chinese Restaurants Ducks Diamond Sparkle Waiter Red Rose

Author:Tommy Cooper

“You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.”

People Knows Humor Funny Names Black White Know How Borders Kitchen Restaurants Black People Mexican Barrels Shackles Cafes Crackers Nevermind

Author:George Lopez

“The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.”

Humor Funny Starting Ghost Restaurants Panic Airports

Author:Kristen Schaal

“Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.”

People Ifs World Dream Humor Funny Animal Laughing Tables Delight Refuse Enormous Your Dreams Restaurants Going Away Cartoon Resorts Compounds Whimsical

Book:Dave Barry Talks Back

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back

“Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.”

Ifs Humor Would Be Funny Nations Built Various Stores Features Restaurants Realistic Simulation Souvenirs Epcot

Book:Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Source: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need