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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.”

Humor Running Funny Nations Humour Shops

Book:Delphi Complete Works of John Buchan (Illustrated)

Source: Delphi Complete Works of John Buchan (Illustrated)

“A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.”

Humor Funny Names Changed Walking Band Intense Shops Injured Pawns Rigor Walking Out Rigor Mortis Mortuary Pawn Shops

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”

Ifs Thinking Want Needs Looks Use Humor Funny Walks Acting Safe Yeah Hey Shirts Shops Documents Spy Surveillance Spray Fishy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.”

Two Ends Humor Funny Party Yeah Shops Stations Screws Sandwiches Subway Two Days

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

Problem Humor Funny Air Shops Owners Sweat Conditioning Air Conditioning

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."”

Men Giving Humor Funny Walks Window Give Me Sells Shops Pet Wasps Shopkeepers

Author:Frank Carson

“I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"”

Ifs Way Said Helping Humor Funny Shops Help Me Owners

Author:Frank Carson

“A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."”

Men Said Humor Funny Four Shops Eggs Cracks Dozen Cracked

Author:Frank Carson

“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'”

Thinking Knows Feels Writing Looks Mean Whole Humor Funny Young Walks Modern Like You Yeah Coffee Hey Posts Paris Shops Gaps Application Patriot Exes Bohemian Coffee Shop Retro Beatnik

Author:Marc Maron

“So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”

Want Said Humor Funny Certain Amount Glory Locals Ice Shops Cream Ice Cream Trousers

Author:Tim Vine

“So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."”

Men Said Humor Funny Watches He Man Shops Vines Analogue

Author:Tim Vine

“I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"”

Said Humor Funny Sells Shops Blokes Kettles

Author:Tim Vine

“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."”

Want Said Humor Care Funny Guy Stars Don't Care I Don't Care Shops Pet Vines Aquariums Goldfish

Author:Tim Vine

“Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.”

Humor Funny Paper Shops Blown Away

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.”

Humor Funny Corners Shops

Author:Tommy Cooper