“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.” WantWellsSaidHumorFunnyDoorsBedWindowStuckBreakfast Author:Tommy Cooper
“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.” KnowsWellsHumorFunnyFireCoupleBlowTricksSecondsCandleFactories Author:Tommy Cooper
“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."” MenWellsProblemHumorSeemsFunnyAsksWalksFiveHe ManFitOfficeDoctorsGlovesTrousers Author:Tommy Cooper
“Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.” KnowsWellsLooksMeanChildrenHomeHumorFunnyLinesInspiredRingsSellingShoppingKnow MeToesMedicationZodiac Book:Bossypants Source: Bossypants
“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'” MenWellsHumorBigsEyeRunningFunnyNightChoicesCausesHurtDealsMiddleHugeBedBiggerPopsBedroomDaddyMiddle Of The NightBoogie Author:Adam Ferrara
“I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.” WantWellsSaidHumorFunnyBedWindowBreakfastBellsBed And Breakfasts Author:Chic Murray
“If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'” IfsWellsLittlesHumorBigsFunnyBest ThingsThings To DoFrightenedLeprechaun Author:Craig Ferguson
“Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.” PeopleIfsWantWellsHumorKidsFunnyThreeAsksEffectsDegreesSixMovedWorriedAsk MeGlobal WarmingPhoenixI Love My KidsLove My Kids Author:Dennis Miller
“Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.” IfsTryingWellsHumorFunnyNumbersFiguresSevenSorryNineCall MeI'm SorryHello Author:Katt Williams
“Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.” WellsLooksLittlesDoeHumorBigsEyeFunnyYeahLike MeGirlfriendBig Eyes Author:Kristen Schaal
“Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."” PeopleKnowsWellsHumorFunnyAmericaCome UpAnnoying Author:Mike Birbiglia
“With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'” PeopleWellsHumorFunnySexInterestingFinalsVideoCheeseDollsReally InterestingGoats Author:Russell Howard
“Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!” IfsWellsHumorKidsFunnyLevelsMinutesDadEasierFiftyYour Dad Author:Russell Howard
“A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.” WantWellsHumorWantedLawMotherGuyNextCuttingDogMonthsWelcomeTailsIn-lawsIndicationVisitingMother In LawVets Author:Karel Capek