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Police Quotes

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Police Quotes

“The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.”

Men Stills Body Humor Government Funny Hate Lines Alive Police Rap Ice Reports Rapper Dead Man Vanilla Chalk Biggie

Author:Chris Rock

“Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.”

Men Humor Funny Lying Found Police Ice Covered Cream Ice Cream Vans Lying On The Floor

Author:Tommy Cooper

“My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”

Trying Humor Funny Rights Fronts Police Suicide Committed Civil Rights Grandmother Bus Great Grandmother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.”

Two Humor Funny Car Police Checks Spots Pimples

Author:Chic Murray

“A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.”

Men Years Humor Funny Police South Suspects Casinos Dakota Mummy South Dakota

Author:Craig Ferguson

“Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!”

Believe Stills Real Humor Funny House Nice Police Broke Good Times Too Nice Nice House

Author:Dave Chappelle

“A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”

Ifs Humor Running Funny Found Study Comedy Shots Police Fats Cop Law Enforcement Policemen

Author:Dennis Miller

“Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.”

Use Humor Light Funny Used Comedy Week Red Police Cameras Assuming Locals Drivers Policemen Surveillance Congressman Brothels Red Lights Surveillance Cameras

Author:Dennis Miller

“I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.”

Problem Humor Music Drug Police Alcohol Law Enforcement Addict Alcoholics Psychedelic Cocaine Drug Addiction Drug Addict Funny Drug Psychedelic Drugs Drug Laws Hallucinogenic Drugs Recreational Drugs

Author:Keith Richards

“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”

Children Humor Wanted Funny Father House Party Comedy Needed Police Reports Weekend Fifteen Proverbial

Book:My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.”

Men Humor Funny Turns Security Husband Police Forgotten Code My Husband Imperfection Alarms Momentary Turn Off

Author:Rita Rudner

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'”

Ifs Humor Funny Crime Gun England Police Commit Law Enforcement

Author:Robin Williams

“I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement.”

People Littles Sometimes Humor Inspiration Funny Law Wish President Police Law Enforcement Enforcement Emphasis Observance

Author:Calvin Coolidge

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

Two Humor Kids Funny Comedy Eating Police Drinking Yesterday Acid Policemen Arrested Batteries Fireworks

Author:Tommy Cooper

“If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!”

Ifs Trying Littles Humor Funny Fire Dog Police Tunnels Seesaw

Author:Milton Jones

“Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.”

Humor Funny Comedy Died Police Robbers Marksman

Author:Milton Jones

“'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'”

Humor Funny Comedy Police Monsters Officers Police Officer

Author:Russell Howard

“The police have no leads as yet on the person or persons who painted obscene suggestions on the buildings. One store owner said he was going to leave a dictionary on a public bench so the vandals could at least spell the obscenities correctly.”

Humor Funny Mark Police Response Paint Learn Rude Laugh Lead Lesson Search Spelling Obscene Graffiti Correct Spell Vandalism Investigate Statement Declare Owner Suggestion Suggest Vandal

Book:Marked in Flesh

Source: Marked in Flesh

“Fugitives were predictable the first hour after escape. They always needed the same thing. Travel. Lodging. Cash. The Holy Trinity.”

Humor Police Escape Fugitive

Book:The Da Vinci Code

Source: The Da Vinci Code