Quotessence
Home / Authors / Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllHumorPeopleFunnyIfsThinkingWantKnowsGuyMenShowsKindDrinkFirstsNeedsComedyGivingShouldWayYearsBaby

Famous Chelsea Handler Quotes

“According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.”

MayMadeBigsLastsGuyNextHeavenBlackStepsFeetMinutesStyleDrugShotsPrisonAlbumsRapNineRanCentsLast TimeDealerDrug DealersBlack Guys
Author:Chelsea Handler
Create image

“It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a woman, being on the road at these disgusting hotels. What girls want to do that? Gross guys want to do that. I think that the dearth in female comics is just the nature of the business, but there certainly isn't a dearth anymore, so I think it's just silly.”

ThinkingWantShowsLife IsGuyGirlCuttingFemaleSillyComedianHotelHostDisgustingGrossTalk ShowsStand Up Comedian
Author:Chelsea Handler
Create image

“I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.”

PeopleMeanPersonsWholeBodyWantedFacesGuyGirlWalksAnimalOne ThingTheoryPercentWeightAccountsPlantKicksJust OneThis GuyTrainersVodkaBody WeightChaperones
Author:Chelsea Handler
Create image