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Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Quotes

Comedian

Chelsea Handler, born on February 25, 1975, is a renowned American comedian, writer, and television host. Known for her unique sense of humor and candid remarks, she has hosted several popular television shows and achieved significant success in the comedy industry.

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Famous Chelsea Handler Quotes

“Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.”

Home Humor Funny Drink

Author:Chelsea Handler

“I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.”

I Can Drink Skinny Burgers Bagels

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.”

People Wonder Needed Drink Meetings Alcoholics Aa Meeting

Author:Chelsea Handler

“I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka.”

People Drink Taste Drinking Alcohol Coffee Alcoholics Vodka

Author:Chelsea Handler

“I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?”

Ifs Thinking Giving Guy Baby Drink Planning Pregnant Adoption

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'”

Thinking Known Dad Drink Clubs Opening Twins Embarrassing Great Times Your Dad

Author:Chelsea Handler

“You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?”

Guy Wonder Youth Drink Driving Smoking Cannabis Helmet Freeways Motorbike

Author:Chelsea Handler

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”

May Home Humor Funny Mother My Own Groups Drink Please Promise Driving Drunk Jail Alcoholics I Promise Chelsea Vodka Drunk Driving Drink And Drive

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.”

Humor Might Wanted Funny Asks Fun Hours Watches Morning Drink Waking Our Relationship Surfing Watch Me Happy Hour Waking Me Up

Author:Chelsea Handler

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

Needs Humor Funny Guy Fun Drink Drinking Funny Drinking Great Drinking Don't Drink Alcohol

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.”

Moments Humor Wanted Funny Happened Couple Drink Decided Cleaning Juice Cocktails Liver Austin Grapefruit

Author:Chelsea Handler

“You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”

Knows Persons Humor Funny Night Comedy Drink Hot Mess Buying All Night Chelsea Hot Mess

Book:Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Source: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

About the Author

Born: February 25, 1975
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 287

Related Topics

Humor People Funny Ifs Thinking Want Knows Guy Men Shows Kind Drink Firsts Needs Comedy Giving Should Way Years Baby

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night StandsRelated source material

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, ChelseaRelated source material

Life Will Be the Death of Me: . . . and you too!Related source material

My Horizontal LifeRelated source material

Are you there Vodka? It's me, ChelseaRelated source material

Chelsea Chelsea Bang BangRelated source material

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