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David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes

Talk show host

David Letterman, born on April 12, 1947, is a renowned talk show host from the United States. Known for his unique humor and sharp interviewing skills, Letterman has long been associated with his late-night show. His program has been beloved by audiences for its in-depth interviews, humorous segments, and the iconic 'Late Show Top Ten' list.

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Famous David Letterman Quotes

“The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.”

Thinking President Mets Luck Clean Gas Stations Ceo Good Luck Gas Stations Restroom Thinking Good

Author:David Letterman

“How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.”

Knows Bigs Next Deals Land Oil Mexico Next Time Slick Gulf Of Mexico

Author:David Letterman

“The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.”

Walks Oil Mexico Spills Miami Cuban Oil Spill Gulf Of Mexico

Author:David Letterman

“Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.”

Bigs Sea Following Oil Mexico Spills Oil Spill Gulf Of Mexico Big Oil

Author:David Letterman

“There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.”

Folks British Oil Parks Mexico Petroleum Gulf Of Mexico

Author:David Letterman

“And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.”

People Use Bigs Courses Summer Ruins Beach Blanket Washing

Author:David Letterman

“They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.”

Oil Hunting Wildlife Spills Palin Oil Spill

Author:David Letterman

“Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.”

Thinking Huge News Environmental Oil Disaster Ice Mexico Good News Caps Melting Spills Bad News Rigs Oil Spill Gulf Of Mexico Melting Ice

Author:David Letterman

“Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.”

Mean Saws Week Six Shadow Stuck Afghanistan Caves Bombing

Author:David Letterman

“Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.”

Looks Five Fool Ten Married Bin Laden Osama Bin Laden

Author:David Letterman

“Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so that's now all over. ... He also had a drinking problem at one time. I believe he went through 'Jihab'”

Believe Problem Kids I Believe Five Wife Drinking One Time Caves Bin Laden Osama Bin Laden Wacky Womanizer Drinking Problem

Author:David Letterman

“Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'”

Thinking Left Borders Afghanistan Pakistan Buddy Bin Laden Dressed Up Osama Bin Laden Jihad Omar

Author:David Letterman

“We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.”

Thinking Knows Years Guy Names Married Daughter Starting Work Out Caves Bin Laden Osama Bin Laden Insiders Omar

Author:David Letterman

“I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.”

Ifs Thinking Made Guy Evil Numbers One Thing Goes On Relation Lists Captains Drs Caves Luther Public Relations Blunders Fortresses Nemo

Author:David Letterman

“We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.”

Thinking Night Father Waiting Five Wife Minutes Married Roots Clinton Intense Bin Laden Osama Bin Laden Learning More

Author:David Letterman

“They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It's like I have a twin.”

Found Add Twins Caves Bin Laden Boxers Osama Bin Laden Playboy Macaroni

Author:David Letterman

“Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.”

Kind Has Beens Television Praying Suicide Planning Commit Reports Awards Academy Bin Laden Osama Bin Laden Lead In Academy Awards

Author:David Letterman

“This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'”

Way Looks May Said Week Borders Plastic Surgery Pakistan Bin Laden Tourists Autographs Osama Bin Laden Plastic Surgery Places To Go

Author:David Letterman

“Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.”

“I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.”

Ifs Knows Today Together Differences Heard Crime News Working Together Good News Cia Fbi Cooperating

Author:David Letterman

“I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.”

Plans Heard Security Dad Planes Hockey Airline Airline Security

Author:David Letterman

“Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!”

Problem Turns Fire Air Feet Genius Shoes Flight Planes Bombs Jihad Exploding Sneakers Nike Flight Attendant

Author:David Letterman

“Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.”

Today Prison Raised Terror Orange

Author:David Letterman

“When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.”

Bigs House Boys Teach Millions Doctors Shopping Groceries Dump Mansions Grocery Shopping House Arrest

Author:David Letterman

“I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.”

Heard Yeah Als Rumor Al Qaeda Hamas Merging

Author:David Letterman

“John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further proof that this guy is out of his mind? Four wives? That's how al Qaeda gets you to become a suicide bomber.”

People Needs Mind Guy Goal Four Wife Suicide Proof Als Afghanistan Old People This Guy Al Qaeda Walkers Bombers Suicide Bombers

Author:David Letterman

“Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we've captured so far is an American.”

Trying Three Enemy Months News Highest Dollars Billions Borders Bombs Pounds Afghanistan Troops Captured Seals Three Months Ranking

Author:David Letterman

“But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'”

Long Said President Lines Heard Computer Chaos Missions Accomplished Voting Florida Confusing President Bush Ballots Long Lines Glitches Mission Accomplished

Author:David Letterman

“Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.”

Made Two States Political President Keys Gains Confused Pundits President George W Bush Dazed

Author:David Letterman

“Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall.”

Ifs Knows President Celebrate Former Airplane Polls President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.”

Two Plans Strategy Clean Desks Transfers Haul U Haul

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”

President Five Six Strategy Iraq Administration President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.”

People Knows Want Mean President Space Moon Drinking Stations Mars President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.”

Feet Dancing Dancer Considering

Author:David Letterman

“According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'”

Today House White Missions Accomplished White House Hung Polls Banner John Kerry Mission Accomplished

Author:David Letterman

“It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.”

Trying Firsts Courses President Minutes Ten Tough Presses Iraq Vietnam Conferences Avoided President Bush Press Conferences

Author:David Letterman

“CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk.”

Said Stills President Mistake Directors Leaving Dumb Desks Leaving Me Cia Memos

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo.”

States Reading President Lines United United States Mountain Draws Yeah Moved Determined President Bush Bin Laden August Memos Briefing

Author:David Letterman

“Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.”

Want Made Bigs Lasts Night President Deals Decided Presses Prime Idols Foxes Conferences Last Night Big Deal President Bush One Night American Idol Press Conferences Prime Time

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too.”

Knows Want Wells President Perfect Congress Excited Testimony Looking Forward President Bush Rice

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.”

Hands President Plans June President Bush January John Kerry Handing Over

Author:David Letterman

“I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs.”

“There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.”

Moments Today Found House White Records Military White House Als Embarrassing Gore Ballots Embarrassing Moment

Author:David Letterman

“CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.”

Three Numbers News Usual Mail Number Three Anthrax

Author:David Letterman

“In Hollywood, Oscar is king.”

Kings Hollywood Oscars

Author:David Letterman

“New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.”

Way Humor Funny Remember Fall New York Civilization Falling Apart

Author:David Letterman

“Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."”

Hard Humor Funny Fun Pay New York Destination Drivers Tourists Hitchhiking

Book:Late night with David Letterman: the book

Source: Late night with David Letterman: the book

“The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.”

Humor Funny Theater Association Candy Roger Movie Theater

Author:David Letterman

“They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.”

Way Disease Eating Hot Coffee Dip Hamburgers

Author:David Letterman

“Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.”

Love You Car Gun

Author:David Letterman

About the Author

Born: April 12, 1947
Known for: Talk show host
Quotes: 606

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