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Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg Books

Author

Mallory Ortberg is a prominent internet writer and critic known for her sharp wit and insightful commentary. Her work often deals with social phenomena, cultural commentary, and personal experiences, enjoying widespread popularity among readers.

The Merry Spinster

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“She could not understand how she was here, when she had never said yes to being brought anywhere. She could not remember speaking to him, much less agreeing. She was beginning to learn the danger of silence, and that someone who wishes to hear a yes will not go out of his way to listen for a no.”

Silence Feminism Choice

Book:The Merry Spinster

Source: The Merry Spinster

“I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at them, the look on the lady's face is like so clear and her body language and her posture or their physical situation is so immediately recognizable. Anyone who's been in a conversation they didn't want to have, or been getting harangued by a little kid they didn't want to pay attention to or been tired and wanted to go to bed is just like, "Yes, of course."”

Want Looks Littles Art Body Kids Wanted Faces Courses Language Pay Attention Situation Clear Painting Bed Conversation Tired Pay Attention Little Kid Posture Body Language Art History

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.”

Ifs Feels Care Easy Dog Take Care

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the fact that you must sleep and will eventually die.”

Facts Dies Sleep Party Faults Partners Host Perpetual Perpetual Motion

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.”

Ends Events Rude

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.”

Want Heart Doe Interest Disease Invention Best Interests At Heart

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.”

Ifs Knows Giving Care Know How Letters Sorry Cancer

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!”

Return Tempting Rudeness

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.”

People Children Desire Secret Admitting Badgers Secret Desire

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!”

Ideas Sex Very Good Good Ideas

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.”

Thinking Mind Long Stills Jobs Sex Difficult Sound Sake Blow Painful Accepted Satisfied Pretending Blow Job

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting."”

Ifs Whole Would Be Jobs Spirit Enjoy Wealth Results Willing Resources Weak Guilt Blow Session Enthusiastic Completion Reflexes Hog Gags Vomiting Blow Job

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them."”

People Ifs Problem Solutions Potluck

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.”

Want Law Complicated Protected

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin.”

Faces Violence Risk Youth Higher Lgbt Rejected Homelessness

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.”

Children Grandparent Closeness

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.”

People Giving Order Manipulate

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.”

Should Hard Struggle Hard Work Counseling

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“It can't hurt to have a backup.”

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.”

Language Challenges Gay Approach Strikes Persist Anti Gay

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop.”

Ifs Should Persons Please Just One Permission Touch Me Stepping Back

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married on the same day.”

Should Chance Married Adults Possessive

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.”

May Assumption Disability Distress Embarrassing

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.”

Heart Risk Disease Strokes Infection Hygiene Heart Disease Dental Respiratory

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body.”

Body Causes Slips Elsewhere Infection Bacteria

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.”

Knows Men Trying Children Lying Asks Sleep Dog Gay Married Sleeping Dogs

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.”

Feels Facts Deals Hardest Odd Incomplete

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.”

Firsts Wells Facts Realizing First Date

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting.”

Ifs Thinking Want Helping Fighting Nice Work Out Hey Going To Work Courtesy Nice Time

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.”

Thinking Way Children Matter Would Be Moving Adults Adult Children

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.”

Ifs Feels Should Reason Share Ready Husband Your Husband Ifs And

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.”

Ifs Feels Ideas Members Asking Mere Family Members Annuals Bonus Hives

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.”

Needs Facts Share Addiction Recovery Acquaintance

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail; if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.”

Ifs Thinking Feels Seems Moving Share Fine Comfortable Addiction Details Uncomfortable Topics Heroin Judgmental Receptive Heroin Addiction

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.”

Five Feet Normal Height Tall Torment Perfectly Normal

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Don't let a friend make you feel publicly uncomfortable indefinitely just because they're probably a lesbian.”

Feels Uncomfortable

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.”

Levels Lows Constant Sexuality Justify Harassment Low Level

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Anyone who thinks it’s funny to name their network "Tom’sHugeEtc" is going to think it’s funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it.”

Thinking Names Neighbor Toms Embarrassed

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.”

Matter Care Opportunity Wonderful Missing Please

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.”

Thinking Men May Real Sex Husband Agree Despise Considering Sexually Having Sex

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the "misfortune" to drive a bus for a living.”

One Thing Girlfriend Misfortunes Bus Friendliness Achiever Sneer Your Girlfriend Feigning

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case.”

Ifs Men Stills Might Desire Sound Cases Wife Objects Conversation Massive Attempting Dose Charisma Bisexual Objects Of Desire

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.”

Want Giving Behavior Workers Credit Bother Workplace Co Worker

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.”

Way Needs Able Loss Partners Damage Resentment

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.”

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.”

Asks Workers Family Friends Forgetful Co Worker

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“You who have suffered so much do not want to be with the kind of person who makes "black widow" jokes to deal with an uncomfortable, painful moment. You should be with a person capable of great compassion and understanding.”

Want Should Kind Persons Moments Understanding Black Deals Compassion Capable Jokes Painful Uncomfortable Widows Black Widow Painful Moments

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.”

People Sometimes Attention Becoming Celebration Addict Center Of Attention

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.”

Care Parent Events Becoming Capable Primaries Caregivers Untimely Death

Author:Mallory Ortberg

“Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.”

Father Son Sexy Girlfriend Announcing Old Girlfriend

Author:Mallory Ortberg

About the Author

Born: November 28, 1986
Known for: Author
Quotes: 90

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Thinking Ifs People Want Feels Children Should Care Married Sex

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People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

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