“If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.” IfsFeelsCareEasyDogTake Care Author:Mallory Ortberg
“If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.” IfsKnowsGivingCareKnow HowLettersSorryCancer Author:Mallory Ortberg
“If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting."” IfsWholeWould BeJobsSpiritEnjoyWealthResultsWillingResourcesWeakGuiltBlowSessionEnthusiasticCompletionReflexesHogGagsVomitingBlow Job Author:Mallory Ortberg
“If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them."” PeopleIfsProblemSolutionsPotluck Author:Mallory Ortberg
“If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop.” IfsShouldPersonsPleaseJust OnePermissionTouch MeStepping Back Author:Mallory Ortberg
“If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting.” IfsThinkingWantHelpingFightingNiceWork OutHeyGoing To WorkCourtesyNice Time Author:Mallory Ortberg
“If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.” IfsFeelsShouldReasonShareReadyHusbandYour HusbandIfs And Author:Mallory Ortberg
“The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.” IfsFeelsIdeasMembersAskingMereFamily MembersAnnualsBonusHives Author:Mallory Ortberg
“As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail; if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.” IfsThinkingFeelsSeemsMovingShareFineComfortableAddictionDetailsUncomfortableTopicsHeroinJudgmentalReceptiveHeroin Addiction Author:Mallory Ortberg
“If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case.” IfsMenStillsMightDesireSoundCasesWifeObjectsConversationMassiveAttemptingDoseCharismaBisexualObjects Of Desire Author:Mallory Ortberg
“You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human is that you get to set your own boundaries for whatever reasons you like, without appending a sensible rationale to them.” IfsHumansReasonFeelingsLinesDrawsAdultsBoundariesSensibleIrrationalMarvelousRationale Author:Mallory Ortberg
“There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.” IfsWantChildrenAlternativesPregnancy Author:Mallory Ortberg
“A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race, should be on nurturing and protecting your child from bigotry, not deploying him or her as an anti-racist Mr. Fix-It.” IfsShouldChildrenDifferentRaceFocusToolsOur ChildrenYour ChildrenRacistBigotryChipsNurturingBargainingDifferent RacesAnti RacistDeploying Author:Mallory Ortberg
