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Mike Birbiglia

Mike Birbiglia Quotes

Comedian

Mike Birbiglia, born on June 20, 1978, is an American comedian known for his self-deprecating and humorous style. He often finds humor in personal stories and everyday occurrences. Birbiglia gained prominence in the comedy world through his personal narratives and monologue comedy, winning the hearts of audiences with his unique approach.

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Famous Mike Birbiglia Quotes

“When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"”

Ifs Knows Writing Littles Doe Play Humor Kids School Funny Pain Song Poet Adults Rhyme Sharks Love And Pain

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.”

Knows Two Humor Funny Enjoy Opinion Five Magic Serious Drink Dancing Tricks Biographies Mike Wildlife Magic Tricks

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.”

People Long Humor Funny America Realizing Gone Troops Autographs Guantanamo Guantanamo Bay

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'”

Men Want Humor Funny Doors Walking Heroin Walking Out

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."”

People Knows Wells Humor Funny America Come Up Annoying

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.”

Humor Funny Garden My Family Italian Olives Olive Garden

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.”

Years Enough Use Humor Bigs Seems Funny Fans Baby Size Calories Pastries Use Of Time

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."”

People Ifs Humor Might Able Funny Lasts Example Drink Newspapers Drunk Hey Titles Holiday Drivers Articles Drank Making Up Walkers

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.”

Thinking Trying Doe Humor Might Funny Study Subjects Ready Materials Cells Prime Not Ready Prime Time Mitochondria

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.”

Ifs Thinking Men Stills Humor Funny Guy Causes Fine Workplace

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.”

I Can Humor Funny Turns Pay Week Accounts Trade Fees

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'”

Done Humor Funny Girl Watches Clubs

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"”

Trying Humor Funny Come Up Clubs Up To You

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.”

Children Hard Humor Kids Funny Names Growing Up Growing Clever Call Me

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.”

Ifs Has Beens Humor Funny Rooms Laughing Cutting Office Examination

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.”

Humor Kids Funny Answers Boys Altars

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"”

Persons Said I Can Humor Funny Black Can Do White Race My Favorite Insult Chickens Plus Soup Asian Beans Crackers Slurs

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"”

Want Ends Humor Funny Guy Hate Sentences Smoke Pot Hate Me

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.”

Believe Made Stills Humor Funny Six Miles Fixed Los Angeles Loser My Sister

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.”

Self Humor Funny Self Esteem Normal Negative Clubs Esteem Timely Hovering

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.”

Humor Funny Funeral Cocky Kleenex

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."”

Should Said Humor Funny Parent Realizing Technology Dad Mets Computer My Dad Programmers Computer Programmers

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"”

Humor Funny Found Doctors Seasons Tickets Yankees Bladder

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.”

Soul Humor Funny Drink My Friends My Family Call Me Pussy Old Soul

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.”

Thinking Kind Feelings Humor Funny Drug Driving Cop Speeding That Feeling You Get

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.”

Knows Want Feels Facts Humor Funny Like You Shining Clubs Selfish Shine On

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“I'm a compulsive everything.”

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.”

Knows Humor Funny Strong Bears Who You Are

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.”

Needs Humor Funny Comedy Math Funny Relationship

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."”

Giving Looks Humor Funny White Sea Drink My Friends Give Me Presses Drinking Starting Permanent Quarters Crew Submarines Coordinates Panties Laundromats

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy.”

Feels Kind Sometimes Humor Funny Laughing Comedy Jokes Jazz Kenny

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'”

Use Humor Funny Together Lasts Guy Week Minutes Like You Calling Mad Credit Cards Finance Cash Credit Card Wallets

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.”

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.”

Way Should Writing Humor Funny Comedy Bad Things Illiterate

Author:Mike Birbiglia

About the Author

Born: June 20, 1978
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 124

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Funny Humor People Comedy Thinking Want Knows Kind Writing Feels Ifs Years Laughing Comedian Film Trying Art Made Clubs Drink

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True StoriesRelated source material

The New One: Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant DadRelated source material

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