Best doors & humor Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“This opens the door on another chapter of history.”

Humor Inspiration Doors Insight Chapters

“If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.”

Ifs Men Firsts Ends Humor Funny Film Doors Week Husband Cameras Video My Husband Scream Locks Bathroom Your Husband Video Cameras

Author:Rita Rudner

“Religion is a personal, private matter and parents, not public school officials, should decide their children's religious training. We should not have teacher-led prayers in public schools, and school officials should never favor one religion over another, or favor religion over no religion (or vice versa). I also believe that schools should not restrict students' religious liberties. The free exercise of faith is the fundamental right of every American, and that right doesn't stop at the schoolhouse door.”

“Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.”

Stills Humor Today Funny Used Class Doors Special Handle Used To Be Occasions Working Class Ruling Reserved Special Occasion Limousines

Author:Erma Bombeck

“A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"”

Humor Funny Doors Tree Dog Green Plant Bones Buried Yards Paws Plant A Tree

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"”

Ifs Thinking Home Humor Funny Doors Luck Woods Good Luck

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.”

Should Long Humor Funny Doors Embrace Hotel Contractions

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Shut the door, Wales.”

Humor Funny Doors Wales

Author:Beau Brummell

“I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.”

People Country Humor Running Kids Funny Games Doors Childhood Rounds Fantastic Running Away Foxes Knocking Badgers

Author:Bill Bailey

“Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.”

Thinking Firsts Book Humor Funny Brain Doors Drug Thousand Ten Perception Critics Melting Huxley Doors Of Perception

Author:Bill Bailey

“Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.”

Humor Funny Jobs Doors Selling

Author:Bill Bailey

“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."”

Said Humor Funny Guy Saws Doors News Percent Hundred Good News Exit Underestimated

Author:Demetri Martin

“When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'”

Children Humor Funny Moving Lying Hours Dark Doors Bedtime

Author:Dylan Moran

“My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Humor Funny Asks Given Sex Nice Doors Advice Dad My Dad Upset Mum Secretary Bedroom Bike Best Times Best Advice

Author:Jimmy Carr

“The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'”

Humor Funny Doors Security Missing Moved Clean Arguing Apartment Pizza Ceilings Singles Deposits Landlord Back Doors

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.”

Humor Funny Hours Behinds Half Doors Lovely Hotel Staying Sheets Dressings Robes Suitcases Fluffy

Author:Frank Carson

“I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.”

Wells Humor Funny Doors Garage Fart Pacemakers

Author:Frank Carson

“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.”

Humor Kids Funny Used Parent Sun Saws Nice Wonderful Doors Tree Strange Flower One Day Grass Wonderful Things Cellars Emo

Author:Emo Philips

“On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.”

Humor Funny Night Guy Doors Fronts Keys Towns Clock Scottish Front Doors

Author:Frankie Boyle

“What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!”

Ifs Whole Shows Humor Funny Choices Doors Wall Sitting Train Prize Locked Multiple Toilets Slides Anything Goes Quiz Multiple Choice Unveiling Quiz Show

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.”

Different Humor Hands Kids Funny Lasts Faces Doors Mask Halloween Candy Rip

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.”

Humor Funny Doors Fronts Hey Sponges Front Doors

Book:The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

Source: The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

“You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.”

Humor Funny Next Doors Worship Catholic Neighbour Pipe Vines

Author:Tim Vine

“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.”

Want Wells Said Humor Funny Doors Bed Window Stuck Breakfast

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'”

Men Want Humor Funny Doors Walking Heroin Walking Out

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.”

Humor Funny House Friendship Doors Wall My Friends Covered Closets Nudists

Author:Steven Wright

“Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.”

Humor Funny Lasts Night Next Doors Nuts Tape Blank Last Night Blast Mime

Author:Steven Wright

“Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?”

Humor Funny Doors Jars

Author:Steven Wright

“I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.”

Home Humor Light Funny House Left Doors Fronts Moved Electric Porch Front Doors

Author:Steven Wright

“A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"”

Said Humor Funny Beautiful Next Doors Moved Cups Sugar Beautiful Women

Author:Steven Wright

“One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.”

Said Whole Home Humor Funny Hell Doors Middle Car Building Keys One Day Ran Apartment Highways Policemen Driveway Car Keys

Author:Steven Wright

“Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.”

Enough Humor Funny Found Women Doors Comfortable Chairs Location

Book:The Fran Lebowitz Reader

Source: The Fran Lebowitz Reader

Doors Quotes

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Doors Quotes