Best feet & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.”

Men Want Should Humor Funny Guy Turns Race Feet Car Window Radio Circles Drivers Keep Going Tides Slow Down Bugs Turn-on Passengers Race Car

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.”

Way Humor School Funny Father Morning Feet Shoes Snow Clock Every Morning

Author:Bill Cosby

“Well what's funny is, again, people say they believed what was going on, but again, Bob's hands are about three times bigger than his feet. So these are very caricatured.”

People Wells Hands Funny Three Feet Bigger Bob Three Times

Author:Brad Bird

“We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet.”

Needs Funny Hurt Feet Built Shoes British

Book:Malayan Trilogy: Time for a Tiger. The Enemy in the Blanket; Beds in the East

Source: Malayan Trilogy: Time for a Tiger. The Enemy in the Blanket; Beds in the East

“I'm shooting in Brooklyn, we've got all kinds of crap going on, and I'm all alone now in a big hotel suite that you can't believe the size of it and a thing sticks in my foot and I just think it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.”

Thinking Believe Kind Bigs Funny Happened Feet Sticks Size All Kinds Shooting Hotel Crap Brooklyn All Alone

Author:Danny DeVito

“Now I got my foot - through the door - and I ain't goin' no where.”

Funny Doors Feet

Author:Gwen Stefani

“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"”

Ifs Looks Long Humor Funny Actors Fun Water Saws Feet Amount Balls Having Fun Seconds Pool Maximum Jimmy Goggles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!”

Ifs Humor Funny Sports Feet Yeah Athlete

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb.”

Humor Funny Taken Feet Baseball Shoes

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself - and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure.”

Giving Enough Funny Science Technology Feet Couple Rope Unix

Author:Eric Allman

“Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.”

Feels Humor Funny Feet Right Now Concerned Feet On The Ground

Author:Bo Belinsky

“One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.”

Humor Funny Space Feet Adultery

Author:Robert Benchley

“My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"”

Years Two Home Humor Funny Girl Behinds Boys Saws Feet Son Walking Yeah Size My Son Genes Twelve Shut Up Gifted Walking Home

Author:Bill Engvall

“A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.”

Humor Funny Three Fire Feet Caught Flames Village Miniatures

Author:Bob Monkhouse

“I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.”

Humor Funny Used Feet Luck Toes Monkeys Rabbits Camels Paws

Author:Kristen Schaal

“Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."”

People Littles Doe I Can Two Whole Bigs Funny Jobs Guy Half Hell Clear Comedy Feet Higher Bottles This Guy Pills Pharmacist

Author:Jerry Seinfeld

“I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."”

Mind Littles Two Done Humor Funny Lasts Turns Saws Happened Feet Minutes Changed Building Suicide Commit Jumping Kitten Last Minute Flipped Jumping Off

Author:Steven Wright

“I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.”

Humor Funny Used Feet Keys Caught Used To Be Planes Pilots Coats Airline Hangers Airline Pilots Coat Hangers

Author:Steven Wright

“I use filming as an excuse to take classes. I got my certification in sailing for 'Wedding Crashers,' and now I can handle a 26-foot boat. I played a seamstress once, so I took sewing classes. I love dipping into these other lives.”

Inspirational I Can Use Funny Class Feet Excuse Handle Boat Wedding Sailing Sewing Wedding Crasher

Author:Rachel McAdams

“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”

Long Funny Five Feet Humorous Army Witty Eleven

Author:Spike Milligan

“Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practicing it.”

Men Funny Law Feet Ignorance Excuse Lawyer Justice System Funny Lawyer American Law Practicing Law Ignorance Of The Law

Book:The Cynic's Calendar of Revised Wisdom...

Source: The Cynic's Calendar of Revised Wisdom...

“This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler.”

Firsts Humor Funny Feet Wine Faults Drinking Alcohol Cunning Alcoholism Wrestler

Author:Plautus

“Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers…for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.”

Use Kids Funny Remember Faces Names Doubt Feet Size Diapers When In Doubt Pedals Funny Face

Author:Amy Poehler

“A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.”

Men Funny Feet Humorous Hundred Gun Libertarian Lawyer Stealing Attorney Briefcases Corleone Best Lawyer

Author:Mario Puzo

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