“I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.” FunnyHappenedSarcasmSarcastic Author:Mark Twain
“Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.” IfsKnowsBelieveWellsHumorFunnyHappenedQuittingBeing TrueRelaxedEmpiricism Author:Bill Bailey
“I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.” KnowsInspirationalFunnyStuffWorryHappenedWorriedFunny InspirationalFunny Motivational Author:Will Rogers
“How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.” LooksRunningFunnyCitiesHappenedNew YorkLondonGentlemanNew York CityOlympicsLadies And GentlemenLondon Olympics Author:David Letterman
“The funniest thing happened in one of my first scenes. In the beginning Emma was really arrogant and punk and in every scene she would slam the door when she walked in or out.” FirstsFunnyHappenedDoorsSceneThings HappenPunkArrogantSlamEmma Author:Dannii Minogue
“I'm shooting in Brooklyn, we've got all kinds of crap going on, and I'm all alone now in a big hotel suite that you can't believe the size of it and a thing sticks in my foot and I just think it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.” ThinkingBelieveKindBigsFunnyHappenedFeetSticksSizeAll KindsShootingHotelCrapBrooklynAll Alone Author:Danny DeVito
“A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."” PeopleMenLongEndsStoriesHumorFunnyAttentionHappenedDrugMadExtrasDisorderDeficitAttention SpanAttention Deficit Disorder Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."” IfsKnowsShowsHumorHappensFunnyGuyWinningHappenedAdvertisingChokeAdvertisementsHamburgersCasinos Author:Mitch Hedberg
“My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.” ChildrenMadeTwoHumorEyeFunnyLeftHappenedHusbandCrossesMy SisterWendyVcrFamily Photo Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!” PeopleIfsKnowsTwoHumorSeemsCareFunnyThreeNextNamesWaitingAnswersPartyHappenedMissingCallingYeahBusyListsHungryRestaurants Author:Mitch Hedberg
“They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"” YearsI CanHumorCareFunnyRememberImagineHappenedSeedsBlankBuns Author:Mitch Hedberg
“A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."” MenFirstsHumorFunnyGuyTurnsNextAsksHappenedHe ManLuckyWindowGlassesCoveredToesLucky YouBandages Author:Frank Carson
“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.” IfsThinkingWayYearsPersonsStillsHumorFunnyUsedSpiritGuyWinningSexMillionsWifeHappenedMiracleMathematicsSevenCancerMy WifeMathUsed To BeJealousScrewsSeven YearsPlagueOther GuysBeing JealousNot Jealous Author:Marc Maron
“My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.” PeopleYearsBelieveMadeHomeHumorFunnyWalksDealsWatchesHappenedMomCoupleTerribleYears AgoMy MomListsHolocaustInterventionRabbiHolocaust DeniersSchindlerSchindler's List Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."” KnowsWayWellsSaidFeelingsFunnyFacesGuyHurtResponsibilityTalkingComedyHappenedShotsMy FriendsYeahMadPhrasesGirlfriendRemoveThis GuyHurt FeelingsMad At Him Author:Louis C. K.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.” FunnyFiveHappenedForgivingMy SisterNever QuitSiblingSisterMy SiblingsSiblings SistersCute SiblingOther SisterSiblings BrothersSiblings Sisters And BrothersBaby SisterFunny Brother And SisterFunny Brother SisterChocolate ChipsCute Brother And SisterFunny SiblingFunny SisterSisters FriendshipCute Brother SisterCute SisterhoodCute SisterInspirational SisterhoodLike A SisterFunny SisterhoodInspirational SisterSister FriendBeautiful Sister Author:Pam Brown
“I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."” MindLittlesTwoDoneHumorFunnyLastsTurnsSawsHappenedFeetMinutesChangedBuildingSuicideCommitJumpingKittenLast MinuteFlippedJumping Off Author:Steven Wright