“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.” WantHumorFunnyFunComedyFrontsLateMachinesMadGlassesBarsToo LateCandyMagnifyingEyeglassesMagnifying GlassCandy BarVending Machines Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!” IfsNeedsMadeHumorFunnyLaysBarsHolesSugarCandyCandy Bar Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"” SaidHumorRunningFunnyMovingGuyHellCaughtBarsHeyHatsPairsNervesApologizingRudeCaught UpThis GuyAccessoriesGo To HellSunglassesMustacheHey YouEarringsPonytails Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"” HardHumorFunnyMachinesYeahBottomBarsInventionBlockHard TimesReachingOwnersCandyCandy BarVending MachinesReaching Up Author:Mitch Hedberg
“When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.” LooksHumorLightFunnyBlackBarsImpressionStainsMustard Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.” KnowsLooksMeanHumorHandsFunnyGuyNextEatingBarsNext TimeCandyCandy Bar Author:Mitch Hedberg
“The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.” HumorFunnyNamesTechniqueCleverBarsSavingChocolateCandyCandy Bar Author:Mitch Hedberg
“A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."” LongHumorFunnyFacesLawWalksExistenceAspectHorseBarsProtectedBarmen Author:Bill Bailey
“An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"” LooksKindHumorFunnyWalksJokesBarsEnglishmenIrishmenScotsmenBarmen Author:Frank Carson
“I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.” SaidEnoughHumorWantedFunnySexGayProofBarsThey Said Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.” MenGivingHumorFunnyGuyWalksBarsShouldersLumpsPubsPintsAsphalt Author:Tommy Cooper
“Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'” MenSaidHumorFunnyGuyNextArmsDrinkSittingBarsHeySleevesHey You Author:Tommy Cooper
“A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."” HumorFunnyWalksBarsBarmen Author:Tommy Cooper
“Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.” TwoHumorFunnyWalksTroubleBarsRoughPeanuts Author:Tommy Cooper
“So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."” MenTryingSaidMatterHumorFunnyLyingFallBreakBarsPocketsGuttersToffee Author:Chic Murray